Things I Will Be Doing Instead of Watching the Stanley Cup Finals

I love hockey, however, I don't love watching sixty minute installments of continuous rape (who am I kidding, of course I do). After all, that is what the Stanley Cup Finals are going to be this year. The Blackhawks will destroy the Flyers. The Flyers have not yet played a real playoff game. Their opponents haven't crashed the net. Their opponents haven't had a Norris Trophy Finalist, nor have they had a Conn Smythe candidate (Jon Toews destroys). Halak is the toughest thing the Flyers have seen...and he's from Slovakia The toughest thing they make in Slovakia is dried peasant jerky. So, to celebrate totally ignoring the Flyers getting dismantled, here's a list of things I'll be doing instead of watching the Stanley Cup Finals.

1) Taking a Bubble Bath- I will literally spend the entire time elapsed between opening face-off and the end of the series in my bath tub, nuff said.

2) Going to Church- I have much to repent for...While in my bath tub. My priest may be upset, but I'll bring him a gift to make up for it (it'll be a child, or a bag of baby carrots).

3) Make Signs Making Fun of Illiterate People

4) Send Oilers to Gulf Spill- From basement team to environmental heroes

5) a) Eat a Fried Oreo for Every Year Since the Leafs Last Won the Cup
b) Gain forty pounds

6) Burn Bags of Candy in Front of Small Children

7) Drink Coffee at a Tea Party Rally

8) Win a Playoff Game in NHL 10 and Proceed to Burn My House Down

9) Prepare to Be Unhappy With My Team's Offseason Moves

It's gonna be a fun Finals.