Oilers, Coyotes Sign Top Six Forwards Gagner, Stempniak [Insert Giggle]

Sam Gagner, the 6th overall pick formerly pegged as the franchise savior of the Edmonton Oilers, signed a two year deal yesterday worth 4.55 million dollars. Now you may be wondering, "isn't that a little much to be paying a guy who has scored 41 points in each of his last two season, and scored 46 the season before that, and is a career minus player?" The answer is yes. Nevertheless, it's a smart move on both sides of the contract. From the organization's perspective, the term is short enough that they escaped with a very manageable cap hit. Considering what Gagner could still become, 2.25 million dollars a season is a steal. From Gagner's perspective, the contract doesn't cut into the prime of his career, meaning that he can potentially spin this tenure into a multi-year deal fro more money on a greater array of teams. Gagner will most likely center the first line this year, with Andrew Cogliano (also an RFA this offseason) most likely filling in the number two spot. If he does in fact receive first line minutes, I'd peg Gagner for a season with about 55-62 points. Still, even that may be a stretch considering the unit around him. Though super studs Jordan Eberle and Taylor hall come into the picture this year, there just isn't enough firepower in the top six to get to that point projection. Nonetheless, if Gagner gets a season feeding Dustin Penner (assuming he can climb over the 25 goal mark), then it's easily a possibility.

Stempniak on the other hand, is a much more interesting case. The terms of his deal have not been disclosed, much to the chagrin of anyone paying attention to the enigmatic case of Mr. Stempniak. The former Leafs forward netted 14 goals in 62 games during his time in Toronto last season, after which he was subsequently moved to Phoenix at the trade deadline. Upon his arrival in the sunbelt, he proceeded to then score another 14 goals...in 18 games. Thus, the question must be begged, who did the Coyotes pay for: the Stempniak that lit up the last 18 games of the season, or the Stempniak that is a career third liner that doesn't put the puck in the net when it counts? My guess is they paid for a combination of the two. They brought him there for the express purpose of having him produce offense. Thus, I believe they will pay him like a sniper, rather than a checker who can score. However, he also had a horrendous playoffs, which would give the Coyotes an excuse to shave some cash off of the deal. Additionally, this has been an incredibly tough off season for free agents. As teams have been crushed by cap crunch, we have seen an incredible drop off in the number of big money contracts that go off (the economic climate doesn't help either). Consequently, Stempniak probably wasn't payed as much as Mr. 14 Goals in 18 Games, but was payed more than Mr. Toronto.

Alas, none of this really matters, because neither team is winning the Cup. Unless of course Phoenix managed to somehow turn Derek Morris into Zbynek Michalek, and the Oilers managed to change their entire roster.

Pual Kariya To Miss Season Due To Concussions

It looks like aging veteran wingers just can't seem to catch a break these days. Just a few days after the Pittsburgh Penguins told Bill Guerin that he would not be re-signed, Paul Kariya is now the next seasoned scorer that will miss out on a season of action. Kariya, who played for the Blues last season, was diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome, and will thus miss out on the 2010 -2011 regular season. He missed six games in January last season due to a concussion, and also missed the 1998 Olympics due to a concussion. However, it seems strange that he's only now being diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome, considering said concussion took place eight months ago.

This will be especially disappointing to Anaheim fans who were hoping to see Paul Kariya and Teemue Selanne reunited on the Ducks one last time. After all, if your team is about to go into rebuild mode and needs to be revamped to become competitive, nothing makes more sense then taking up a roster spot with a player who's past his prime. Speaking of old players who suck, Clarke MacArthur signed a one year deal with the Toronto Maple Leafs. Apparently, the leafs offseason philosophy this year is "Let's get as many fifteen goal scorers as possible at the cost of filling out our top six". Good work, Mr. Burke.

Khabibulin Found Guilty On DUI- Dashes Oilers' Cup Hopes

The nursery on ice known as the Edmonton Oilers just lost their drunken, ailing care taker. 219-year old goalie Nikolai Khabibulin, who recently signed a four-year deal worth five million dollars, was arrested on DUI charges after being pulled over in his Ferrari (yes, hockey players can afford Ferraris) earlier last season. Today, he was convicted on those same charges in an Arizona court. Though he will undoubtedly miss out on the upcoming season (his charge usually carries a six month jail sentence), this conviction could still turn out to be incredibly convenient for the Edmonton front office. In the NHL, under the new Collective Bargaining Agreement, contracts for players over the age of thirty five count against the salary cap even after retirement. As a result, The Bulin Wall's contract would not be wiped off the books for another three years, regardless of playing status. However, his contract contains what we'll call "a moral clause". A moral clause essentially says that if a player fails to render their services due to one's moral decisions, then the contract is void and taken off of the books. Historically, they're impossible to enforce. Nevertheless, if Khabibulin misses games due to his imprisonment, then he'll undoubtedly be cut from the team (as will his contract and cap hit).

That leaves the dynamic duo of Devan Dubnyk and Jeff Deslauriers to man the pipes for the time being. If Nikky's cap hit is nullified, then there is a possibility that Edmonton could pursue one of the many goaltenders on the market available for dirt cheap. Antii Niemi and Jose Theodore are the first to come to mind, however I'm sure there are many other subpar starters looking for work in the league. Of the two Oilers net-minders, I like Dubnyk to start over Deslauriers easily. Dubnyk has some semblance of talent, and many in Edmonton like his potential upside. Deslauriers, on the other hand, is a scrub. I once watched him play for the Oil, and I'm almost 95% certain that I saw him try to eat a grilled cheese sandwich while playing. An associate of mine says that that statement is blatantly false, yet he testifies that he saw him shopping for furniture out of a catalog while Edmonton was on the power play.

5 Things Better To Watch Than Toronto Maple Leafs

If you ask anyone who has any semblance of hockey knowledge, they'll tell you that the Leafs are not the worst team in the NHL. They're not even the worst team in the East. However, that doesn't mean we shouldn't make fun of them like they're the worst team to ever grace the National Hockey League. After all, who enjoys making fun of a team with serious financial woes, and a streak of non playoff seasons that stretches more than a decade (I feel for you, Panthers fans). The Leafs are the most valuable franchise in the NHL- they'd be made fun of even if they were winning. The fact that half of their team is under the impression that they play professional rugby is just icing on the cake. So, here are the five things better to watch than the Toronto Maple Leafs.


1. The pain on Leafs fans' faces after Dion Phaneuf mistakes Tyler Bozak for Sean Avery and tears him in half.


2. Eat Pray Love

I hear Julia Roberts has mad dangles- just saying. Besides, nothing says "better than the Leafs" better than 4.7 on IMDB.

3. Elisha Cuthbert

Just ask Dion Phaneuf.

4. Every other NHL team ever.

That includes all Hartford Whalers teams. Seriously. (They had about a bajillion losing seasons in their existence, for you casual fans).

5. This. Because this is the weirdest, greatest thing, I have ever seen on the internet.

Writer Likes Run On Sentences- Discovers That Is Not A Good Headline

In other news, Patric Hornqvist (thirty goal scoring RFA of the Nashville Predators) signed a three year deal worth about nine million dollars this week, and the Canucks added depth forward Raffi "No I Won't Sing You Baby Beluga, I'm Not That Raffi" Torres to a one year deal. Torres, known as a solid playoff performer in Columbus, is also known for being an utter flop in Buffalo. Vancouver signed him to about one million dollars, which was logical considering that he's always injured, that he could have been gotten for cheaper considering his time in Buffalo, and that the Canucks are already 3 million dollars over the cap. It's no wonder THN has them pegged to win the Western Conference and the Cup when making decisions like those!

On another note, Jordan Staal is going to have his foot examined, I'm assuming by government scientists. Unlocking the secrets to a biological tank such as Jordan Staal would undoubtedly provide the government with a wealth of resources. Who wouldn't want to see a giant walking Mecha of Jordan Staal that can fire missiles at a building and then hip check it to the ground. We now leave you with this amazing pic of Bobby Orr with Andre the Giant. Great Stuff.

Lightning Re-Sign Downie, Simon Gagne Gets Sad

Who was the best line in the NHL last season? Heately-Thornton-Marleau? Byfuglien-Toews-Kane? Ovechkin-Backstrom-Semin? If you answered St. Louis-Stamkos-Downie, you selected an answer that was not available for selection, and you should learn how to read. As we all know, Steven Stamkos is a monster. Children are afraid that he's hiding under their respective beds, waiting to rip a slap shot past their glove sides. Martin St. Louis is a gentleman, which is also commonly known. The man plays with so much class that it's rumored that he emits the smell of aged scotch every time you slam him into the boards. He too, is a monster. Steve Downie on the other hand, is not a monster. Yes, he is someone who you should be afraid to have under your bed. But he is not a great hockey player. Though he is a great middle six forward who can provide a lot of grit and physicality to a team, he is no top six forward. The guy had never played a full season in the NHL before this season, and even while playing top line minutes, he only managed 46 points while playing with some of the best line mates in the league.

With the introduction of Simon Gagne, one would assume that this would mean second line for the young forward, who was one of the first forwards in about ten years to top 20 goals and 200 PIM's. Yet it doesn't. With Gagne's health problems, and with Vinny LeCavalier's incessant loneliness on the second line, you can be sure that coach Guy Boucher will be spreading the offense between the top two lines. Thus, expect to see a St. Louis-Stamkos tandem dominate the first line, and a Vinny-Gagne tandem take over the second. All four forwards will see lots of power play time, which will be especially productive with the addition of blue liner Pavel Kubina. An older Victor Hedman sure doesn't hurt either though. So congratulations to Steve Downie, former first round flop who has found a home in Tampa Bay, playing with one of the best centers in the world.

Willie Mitchell Goes To Kings

It was no secret that the LA Kings were looking for a physical veteran to man the helm in Hollywood this offseason, and it seems that the Crowns have found their man in former Canucks punching bag, I mean defenseman, Willie Mitchell. It was rumored that the San Jose Sharks, Washington Capitals, and Vancouver Canucks were all in the running for his services. Nevertheless, it seems that he thought that LA was the best place to win the Cup in the immediate now that he's signed a two year deal with a 3.5 million dollar annual cap hit. It's a great pick up for LA, whose top four is now rounded out by super-stud Drew Doughty, youngster Jack Johnson, playoff hero Rob Scuderi, and Willie Mitchell.

Yet one must wonder if it's the best place for Mitchell to be. The Caps are regular season juggernauts, and he would have been an outstanding addition to a defensive corps that needs someone who can actually play defense, unlike Mike Green. Though they have been known to struggle in the playoffs, his presence there would perhaps have added the kind of grit and defensive prowess necessary to win the whole thing. It's the same story with the Sharks, who need a defenseman to fill in the spot vacated by recently retired captain Rob Blake. Both teams are sure-fire contenders for Lord Stanley's Crunk Goblet, as Lil Jon likes to call it, yet he chose LA. Don't get me wrong, they will win the Cup someday as long as they have the likes of Doughty, Kopitar, Bernier, Quick, Johnson, Brown, and Simmonds there. Still, one would be hard pressed to find somebody that has LA pegged to win it all after losing out on Alex Frolov and Kovie, and replacing him with Alexei Ponikarovsky, winger to the stars.

What We Missed- August Edition

For all of you avid readers out there, I'd like to apologize for missing yet another extended period of time. And that apology is sincere, and I hope all three of you reading this accept it wholeheartedly. Anyway, let's go through what's been going on in the hockey world since our last post.

Kovalchuk Contract Rejected

To the surprise of many, arbitrator (turned bribe acceptor) Richard Bloch ruled in favor of the NHL in the rejection of Kovalchuk's contract. Those familiar with the case said that the NHL hadn't a leg to stand on, y'know, considering the total and utter lack of concrete evidence proving intent. Nevertheless, they came out victorious in the end, taking the proverbial paddle to the supple, smooth proverbial bottom of the NHLPA. Thus, he is now a free agent. It would seem that LA would now have a second chance to sign the winger, and would now be on an equal plane with the Devils in terms of financial ability... too bad they already signed Alexei Ponikarovsky... He'll probably end up re-signing with Devils, as the Kings need a defenseman more than Kovalchuk, and really need to re-sign Drew Doughty next year.

Tomas Kaberle and Marc Savard Didn't Get Moved

The Bruins are in cap hell, as they are three million dollars over the cap without taking into account Seguin's salary and bonuses. Rumor has it that they were going to move Marc Savard, yet that's starting to look less and less likely. Despite a high volume of interest for an aging center with concussion problems and a seven year contract, they B's are more likely just to bury Michael Ryder in the minors. Tomas Kaberle on the other hand, is actually worth a damn. However, Burke clearly didn't receive an offer that was anywhere near good enough, and thus Kaberle will have another good season on a basement team, and maybe Burke will move him at the trade deadline to a team like the Kings or Sharks.

Mike Modano Signed With The Red Wings

With Modano in the fold, Detroit now has eight players on the roster over the age of thirty five. Following the announcement of the agreement, it is rumored that organization received multiple sponsorship offers from the likes of AARP, The Association For Bad Driving, and prunes.

Teemu Selanne Signs Back With Ducks

Considering the numbers he put up last season in the limited number of games he played, I'd say it's a good move.

That's about it, look forward to more posts with some greater depth soon, and if you want to write for the site, be sure to email us at heathenhockey@gmail.com