Byfuglien Scores Hat Trick- U.S. Army Announces Plans to Model Tank After Chicago Forward

Dustin Byfuglien (pronounced Buflin), the son of two (clearly) dyslexic parents, scored three goals last night in a dominating 5-2 over the Vancouver Canucks. The Ca-sucks, though blasting the Blackhawks in game one, have lost every single bit of momentum in the series. They gave up a lead to lose game two, which is never good for confidence, and then they got dominated by the 'Hawks on home ice. And when I say dominated, I mean dominated. Think Marian Hossa in assless (are there any other kind?) chaps and Patrick Kane with whips and fishnets. Dominatrix style.

Byfuglien carried the team the whole night on his wide (and supple) frame. At 6' 4" and 257, Byfuglien effectively used his size to create room in the crease, screen Luongo, and tap in rebounds. It was one of the best performances I've seen from a role player like him. Kris Versteeg and Marian "the only reason the Blackhawks will not win the cup this season" Hossa also added goals apiece for Chicago. Alexander Burrows and Jannik Hansen added tallies for Vancouver. Let me be the first to ask, who the fuck is Jannik Hansen? Nevertheless, it was the Byfuglien show all night last night, even with Niemi making 31 saves on 33 shots.

In fact, it was such a clutch performance for the 25-year old Minneapolis native, that the U.S. army just today announced plans to model their newest line of tanks after the power forward. Feeling jealous, Sweden also announced a new line of tanks, though theirs will be modeled after the Sedin twins, Henrik and Daniel. When asked if the new vehicles would be entitled "Twinkie Tanks", the Swedish Secretary of the Press proceeded to weep before curling up in a ball and protecting himself from what he must have thought was an incoming check. Oh Swedes (who aren't Henrik Lundqvist or Henrik Zetterberg), your all the same, on ice and off. You're also all name Henrik.

The new tanks reportedly can fire shells a distance of 2 miles, travel at a speed of 40 miles per hour, and can easily burn Matt Gilroy in OT http://www.newson6.com/Global/story.asp?S=11652864.