Staal Back on Ice Five Days After Surgery- Scott Gomez Literally Shits Himself

For those of you who think that the Habs could easily take on the Penguins after slaying the mighty Caps- you are perhaps more retarded than the five illegitimate children I've had out of wedlock (they're retarded because they're illegitimate, not because I fathered them with chronic alcoholics). As much as I love the Montreal Canadiens, and as much as everyone on the Montreal Canadiens loves men, they are finished. Yes, they have frustrated Sidney the Kidney offensively, however, with Jordan Staal back in the line up that could change fast. Staal is the Penguins' best defensive forward, and is often matched up against the other team's best offensive line. This allows Crosby to forget what defense is, and focus more on his offensive game. Without Staal there, both Crosby and Malkin were forced to take on more defensive duties, which prevented them from scoring.

It also made the lives of the top two Montreal lines much happier. Unfortunately for them, that's all about to change. Markov's out, which hurts them defensively already (although Kudos to Gill, Gorges, and Subban for not being utterly incompetent at their jobs), plus the return of Staal is going to reignite this Penguins team and cause matchup nightmares for the Habs.

However, the Habs aren't the only ones who should be frightened by the return of Staal, we all should be too. He severed a ligament and had surgery five days ago, and he can already skate. He is clearly a monster of Cloverfield type proportions. This is usually the part where I shrink into my defensive shell of fear and start shouting anti-semitic things at my aggressor, but for now, it's ok. He's on our side. And if he were ever to attack a major city with his fire breath (you know he has it) or laser eyes, we always have our vodka. Yes, for making molotov cocktails, but mostly for drinking myself into a stupor so as not to feel the pain of being slaughtered by Selkezilla.

*The author of this post is Jewish, for anyone who was shitting their pants over the Anti-Semitism comment*