My Campaign For A Dubinsky-Crosby Battle Royale

In case you haven't seen it, here is Sidney Crosby's alleged slewfoot of Ryan Callahan last night when the two played in New York.



If you're wondering why I say alleged, it's because it's important to maintain a sense of impartiality and fairness before we extradite Crosby back into the state to pay for his heinous crime. There has been a lot of debate over whether this was a slewfoot at all, however, I think there's little debate as to that. It is, unquestionably, a slewfoot. Many have compared it Ovechkin's slewfoot of Rich Peverley last year (which can be seen here), yet I think in many ways this one is worse. Although the Ovechkin's is arguably the more dangerous of the two- one must understand before making a conclusion that the contexts in which each were committed are incredibly different. Ovechkin's is made battling to a puck, and doesn't seem to be malicious. In fact, Ovechkin didn't even intend for his leg to go behind Peverley's- he wanted the puck. Nevertheless, it's unquestionably a penalty, and it was punished with a two minute minor for tripping. Now, a slewfoot is supposed to be punished with a five minute major. However, due to the context, Ovie's star power, and the perceived intent of the play, he did not receive the misconduct.

With that in mind, Crosby's should not have been punished with a misconduct either. It was not an extreme sweeping motion, and he did not utilize his arms a lot. Nevertheless, Crosby's is still, in my opinion, the more dangerous of the two. He and Cally were not battling for a puck, there was no split decision, and there was no high velocity. Crosby intentionally and deliberately kicked out Callahan's feet. Though his intent may not have been to injure (as is evident by his lack of arm movement), it certainly was to take Callahan out of the play illegally, and to cover up that illegal play subsequently. The same lack of arm movement that one can infer intent from, is evidence that Crosby knew exactly what he was doing, and wanted to get away with it. But of course, he got away with it. He's Sidney Crosby- face of the NHL. You can't market a league with a star whose known as whiny, diving, dirty, punk, can you? Crosby is a winner, and a competitor, and I respect him for his long list of achievements.

Although I do so begrudgingly.


I think we can all agree though that the bigger story here is Brandon Dubinsky's response, as well as his general hatred of Sidney the Kidney.





Classic.

In response to Dubinsky's criticism, Crosby essentially accused Dubinsky of possibly being a slightly dirty player, who he thought was fairly intelligent, and who he thus is surprised at because he thought he was smarter than to accuse him of being a dirty whiner. Yet after the last year or two of dialogue between the two, isn't it about time that we organize some sort of cage match or battle royale between the two of them? Here's how it would go down. We would lure Dubinsky into the cage fight by lacing a path from his home to the fight with the scent of Crosby's whining (which I'm assuming we can condense and put into a vial). We would lure Crosby there by leaving a note about how we have kidnapped Evgeni Malkin, and how he must meet us at the location of the fight if he ever wants to have another scorer play for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Once at the fight, Dubinsky immediately tries to strangle Crosby into a coma, but fails after Crosby dives to the floor and immediately beings looking for Eric Godard to come and protect him. Alas, he is not there, as he is assumedly watching John Scott and Derek Boogaard use humans as pieces in their day long chess tournament. Dubi proceeds to beat Crosby to the point where he never plays hockey again- something that the Penguins are heart broken over. Nevertheless, they persevere, move Malkin up to the top line (where he would be on any other team), and they proceed to use Crosby's cap space to sign scorers so that they can get actually have more than two on the roster at any given time. They then continue on to win multiple Stanley Cups due to their superb coaching, excellent defensive corps, above average power play, top notch penalty kill, and balanced scoring depth. Or at least, that's how I imagined it.

In order for this to work, we're almost automatically going to have to launch a letter writing campaign. In fact, just start wearing signs around. That's the best way to garner attention for anything. If you have any ideas as to how to get this to happen, implement them immediately, and make sure you do so without consulting anyone- especially if the ideas seem reckless and, or dangerous to the safety of those around you.

Five 19th-Century Statesmen That Would Make Great Hockey Players

Adding to our line of completely hockey related lists like "Five Things We'd Change About Hockey If We Lived In Ancient Sparta," and "Five Reasons I Should Stop Posting Lists," here are the five statesmen of the nineteenth century who would make great hockey players.

1. Starting Goalie- William McKinley

His selection has less to do with his lightning quick reflexes, and more to do with the fact that he's used to being shot at.

2. Team Enforcer- Preston Brooks

He may not have the use of a cane on the rink, but I'm certain that he'll find creative ways to implement his skates and/or stick in his overreactions to the verbal abuse of others. Hopefully Brooks wouldn't take it as far as to cause neurological damage to somebody over the rhetoric that he employed. But then again, I'd certainly like to see him take a light swing at Mike Komisarek, just for comedic effect

3. Team Penalty Killer- John C. Calhoun

I for one am certain that Calhoun would come up with some brilliant argument as to why the powerplay should not exist due to its detrimental effect on the numerical minority. The chances of this argument actually succeeding are quite miniscule. However, I also think that Calhoun would have the forethought to cover the left face off circle on a Tampa Bay powerplay. Oh how it pains me to further the readership of Justin Bourne.

4. Team's Leading Scorer- Henry Clay

Clay is given the spot not because of his outlandish ability to compromise, but rather his uncanny ability to womanize like no other. According to an incredibly unreliable source from the internet, Clay was rumored to have fathered the entire population of his home state of Kentucky. Now this seems illogical to me, as he was born in Kentucky, and thus obviously could not have fathered its entire population. But then again, who am I to question the inter-web?

5. Team Pest- James Madison

Don't get me wrong, James Madison is not all that annoying. However, he does fulfill a role similar to that of a pest, i.e. he contributes well early on by chipping in offensively and drawing calls (Madison's influence on the writing of the Constitution), but eventually hurts the team miserably by getting tricked into a 4 minute double minor for believing anything Napolean says.

Three Reasons The Isles Should Move To Kansas City

The only thing that's a bigger secret than the New York Islanders' current failings is how this guy manages to keep such an outstanding moustache. They've lost their last thirteen games, they have a first overall pick who has his skating abilities questioned week after week, a first round pick who some expected to lead the league in scoring someday that hasn't even played a game yet due to injury, a mediocre defensive corps, and no real long term solution in goal. With the franchise in dire straits in a market that honestly doesn't really care about them, I really think that relocation is in their best interest. Thus, here are the three reasons that the New York Islanders should move to Kansas City.


1. The Tantalizing Opportunity To Be Named Something Other Than The Islanders

I think we can all agree that there is not team in the NHL with a worse name than the New York Islanders. And I can guarantee you that they will not pull a Los Angeles Lakers and keep their old name when they relocate venues. Here are some possible names I was considering for them:

The Kansas City Could You Please Stop One Puck Ricky?

The Kansas City Konopkas

The Kansas City Hoarders (For all the first round picks they get)

In all seriousness though, it's time to bring back the Kansas City Scouts.


2. The New Arena

It seems like years that Charles Wang has been begging for the undertaking of his LightHouse Project... because it has been. It beats me why he'd ever want to put a hockey team in a light house, but to each his own. Either way Kansas City has an arena that can house them, and there's a serious contingency of people within the city that are clamoring for an NHL team. Unfortunately, there's no clever naming to be done of their potential new home, as its owned by, and named after, Sprint. Then again though, with the way Sprint is bleeding customers, that opportunity could open up real soon.

3. The Franchise Sucks

Let's face it, it has for a long time, and it will for a long time. Unless you're going to fashion your team in the likes of the Phoenix Coyotes or the Nashville Predators, you are not going to win on a budget. And as long as the Isles play on Long Island, they will have to win on a budget. The market just isn't large enough, or enthusiastic enough to sustain a winner. The sweaters are ugly, the arena is ugly, the name is bad, the franchise is run atrociously, the team doesn't win, and they never have any stars. That, my friends, is a recipe for failure. Give the franchise to Kansas City, give them a shot to make it work. I know that many would lament the loss of the Rangers-Isles rivalry, but let's face it- the Rangers' greatest rivals are the Devils. It's been that way for a long time. As a Rangers fan, I can honestly say that I won't miss it too much. I haven't seen a real Islanders team in my time as a serious hockey fan, and I don't think I ever will.

You can reorganize the divisions easily too. Just put the Chiefs in the Central Division, and move the Columbus Blue Jackets to the Eastern Conference. Since they're not an expansion team, there would be no issues with putting them in the difficult Central Division.