Barry Melrose Says Boston Bruins Best Team Left in Playoffs- Subsequently Legally Prevented From Reproducing

Over the weekend Barry Melrose appeared on ESPN's Sportscenter in an attempt to further prove to the world that he is in fact legally retarded. When asked who he thought the best team left in the playoffs was, he responded, "The Boston Bruins". He then continued to elaborate this point with evidence that proved the contrary of what he was saying. He said that they're the best because they've been scoring clutch goals late in games when down by a goal to the Philadelphia Flyers. That right there, is why Barry Melrose is an idiot. You don't provide evidence to prove someone's great by saying something shitty about them. Saying they score clutch goals to tie games, means that they were actually losing at points to the Philadelphia Flyers. The Flyers' goalie is a back-up of a back-up of a back-up. The Flyers suck, they belong nowhere in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and that stands for every team in the East except the Pittsburgh Penguins, and Jaroslav Halak (yes i know he's not a team, but he's just so good). The Bruins faced a sixth seed in the first round that was masquerading as a third seed, and they're now playing the Broad Street Bullies, who are a ninth place team masquerading as a seventh seed. These kinds of stupid statements by Barry Melrose are exactly why he poses a threat to our society. What if someone dies laughing at one of his pieces of analysis, or worse, what if he reproduces?

Well no need to worry about that. Upon hearing the latest piece of Melrose Misinformation, the United States issued an emergency piece of legislation calling for the castration of Barry Melrose. In fact upon hearing his ESPN analysis, he jumped up on the U.S. Most Dangerous Person Watch List by sixteen spots, beating the likes of Faisal Shahzad, and the Hamburgler. There is no word yet on what is going to be done with his balls, though I'm assuming that some Detroit Red Wings fan will most likely try to acquire them [insert joke about Wings fans being gay/sucking here]. Rumor has it that he will be receiving his own special section in the new edition of the Darwin Awards, probably because he is the first person that will be featured in the book due to a lifetime of stupidity. May we all thank our respective lords (mine's Gragnon the Alien Viking) that we will never have to see the day where Barry Melrose can further infect the world with his stupidity.