Trophy Winners

With this year's season starting to come to a close now that Game Two of the Finals are on tonight, it's time to look to this year's award ceremony and make a few predictions as to who will win each trophy.

The Vezina Trophy

Nominees:

Ryan Miller
Ilya Bryzgalov
Martin Brodeur

Who Will Win: Ryan Miller

Who Should Win: Ryan Miller

Ryan Miller was far and away the best goaltender in the NHL this season. Only Ilya Bryzgalov came even remotely close to matching Miller's performance this season. Still, Miller's Olympics will push him over the edge for sure, along with Bryzgalov's shorthanded numbers (which are below .900), as well as the fact that Miller's save percentage is .929, and Ilya's is .920. Miller was the best statistically with by far the worst defensive corps (or just corps for that matter) of any of the three goaltenders. He was in the top ten in the league in shots faced, and was the GAA and save percentage leader for the league. Clearly, he was the most impressive goaltender in the NHL this season. What baffles me is Brodeur's presence among the finalists. Yes, he set some sort of record this year (I think it was for shutouts), but hasn't his legacy been put to rest by now. Brodeur is one of the NHL's greatest goalies of all time. Not THE greatest. The only statistic that makes any difference when it comes to goalies is save percentage. That's it. Wins only indicate how good THE TEAM is, not the goalie himself. The GAA shows how good the DEFENSE is, not the goalie himself. But the save percentage is all on the goalie. The other statistics matter when used in conjunction with percentage, but mean nothing when standing alone. The fact that Brodeur had such a low GAA is a testament to his defense. People don't look at the fact that he faced the second least shots in the NHL this season. He only lets two in the net because he faces a little over twenty shots a night. Yet he only saves 91.6% of his shots faced, as opposed to the other two finalists who are both over .920. Henrik Lundqvist should have been given the final nomination with a .921 and 2.38 GAA. He wasn't even on a playoff team, had two rookies in front of him, was on one of the lowest scoring teams in the NHL, and had to be behind Wade Redden and MIchal Roszival. Yet he still had a significantly better save percentage than Brodeur. Even if you don't give it to Lundqvist, there are many other goalies who deserve this award more than Brodeur. Doesn't matter though, the award is Miller's.

The Hart Trophy

Nominees:

Alex Ovechkin
Henrik Sedin
Sidney Crosby

Who Will Win: Alex Ovechkin

Who Should Win: Sidney Crosby

Yes, I know how unpopular that opinion is, however, it shouldn't be. Though I despise Sidney Crosby, there is no other player I would have wanted more on my team this season. Sedin doesn't deserve it simply because his point total is inflated by second assists, and is incredibly imbalanced as a player. He feeds. That's it. Crosby and Ovie both score and feed, each going approximately 55-55-110 give or take a couple from each column. Still, Ovechkin is the more offensively impressive player, able to score one less goal in ten fewer games, and still amassing more points than Sid. Nevertheless, Crosby is still more valuable. Crosby doesn't get suspended or kicked out of games because of reckless play, nor does he get injured by playing that way. The same can't be said for Ovie. The other thing, is that the Capitals were still something like 7-2-1 in the ten games that Ovechkin missed this season, which clearly indicates that he is not the sole reason for their success. Also, if you subtract Ovechkin's goal total from the team's season total, they would still be the NHL's most offensively productive team. Additionally, Ovechkin plays on a dream line, as he wings Nicklas Backstrom and plays opposite Alexander Semin. Crosby on the other hand, played with Bill Guerin and Chris Kunitz. Weigh that. Ovie, though more productive, was the less valuable. Crosby is the more responsible player, has an equally balanced game, and managed to produce similar stats to Ovie with a significantly worse line. And though the Olympics aren't supposed to influence voting, Crosby scored the OT game winner in the gold medal game, and Ovie left with Russia after getting thrashed. That says it all.


The Calder Trophy

Nominees:

Matt Duchene
Tyler Myers
Jimmy Howard

Who Will Win: Tyler Myers

Who Should Win: Tyler Myers

All three finalists this season were huge surprises for their respective teams. Though Matt Duchene was selected third overall, I don't think anyone was expecting him to surpass John Tavares and take the rookie scoring title. Nevertheless, he did that, going 24-31-55 in 81 games this season, which is a fairly impressive first campaign considering he was on the Colorado Avalanche. More surprising than Duchene though, were Howard and Myers. Howard had 37 wins on his team, with a .924 and 2.26 GAA after wrestling the starting job from Chris Osgood. Those numbers are Vezina stats. I would have given him a nomination over Brodeur, because those numbers are incredible against unbelievably stiff competition. Not only was he playing in the Western Conference, he was playing in a division with the Blackhawks and the Predators, two very, very tough teams. He also backstopped a late season run that saw the Red Wings go from postseason question marks to fifth-seeds. Statistically, he should be the rookie of the year in my opinion. There's only one issue though, he's 26. He's too old to be a Calder winner, he's had too much time to develop. No, it does not reduce how impressive a campaign he had, those stats speak for themselves, it's just that his age is going to prevent him from winning the trophy, as it should. He doesn't deserve the Calder because he isn't really a rookie, he's had a lot of time to develop in the minors. He does, however, deserve a Vezina nomination, because this season was a truly remarkable feat. Thus, the trophy is Tyler Myers. Not only was Myers not expected to move higher than the third pairing this season, he wasn't even expected to make the roster. Yet this season saw Myers make the Sabres roster, and become the mainstay of their defensive corps, as he was easily the most able defenseman on their team. At 6'-8" and 222 pounds, the rookie routinely saw himself clocking upwards of 20 minutes every night, while being keyed up on the league's best offensive units almost perennially. He saw power-play time, penalty kill time, and at some points in the season, actually led the league in ice time, all while amassing 11-37-48 in 82 games (yep, he started every game) and a plus 12 rating. Truly impressive.


The Selke Trophy

Nominees:

Pavel Datsyuk
Jordan Staal
Ryan Kesler

Who Will Win: Probably Pavel Datsyuk

Who Should Win: Not Ryan Kesler

All three forwards are incredible defensive forwards. Ryan Kesler was instrumental in the USA's silver medal run at Vancouver, and is an outstanding checker with a great scoring touch. Nevertheless, he's a plus 1 for the season, which immediately discounts him from winning. He had 75 points, which means he was on the ice for at least 74 goals against. That is not a statistic that any good defensive player should have. You can't be on the ice for at least 75 goals being scored by your team and have the smallest positive +/- rating possible and be considered a great defensive forward, you just can't. Jordan Staal was very impressive this year, using his size and speed to contain some of the NHL's best offensive lines. He was 21-28-49 on the Pens' third line, and was a plus 19, which is the highest +/- of all Selke Finalists. However, Staal doesn't have the same reputation as Datsyuk, who for sure is known as the NHL's consistently best defensive forward. Still, Staal's stats are impressive, and he's a physical checker, the kind of player the award should be given to, so there is a chance that he could win. Nevertheless, the award is most likely Datsyuk's. He skates smoothly, is a fantastic two-way player, had a plus 17 for the season, and was 27-43-70. He also has the NHL's cleanest stick lift, just saying. He's a very different player than Staal, he's more offensively focused, and relies more on his stick and his positioning on the back-check. His role is as an offensive player though, and Staal's is not. Datsyuk's line is expected to score, and Staal's line is an energy and checking line, one meant to contain the opposing team's top forwards and prevent them from producing offensively. Thus, I'll go ahead and say that Staal should win, but that Datsyuk most likely will anyway.


The Norris Trophy

Nominees:

Duncan Keith
Drew Doughty
Mike Green

Who Will Win: Duncan Keith

Who Should Win: Duncan Keith

Mike Green is a great offensive defenseman, but has too many detractors to garner the votes necessary to win the trophy. Though he amasses astronomical offensive stats, his defensive game just isn't strong enough to deserve the award. Doughty is young and doesn't have the profile to win. That leaves Keith to win by default, and he deserves it. He's amassed an impressive number of points this season, had a good +/-, and was a top pair defenseman on one of the best teams in the NHL. There's no reason it shouldn't be his. But who knows, Doughty's age may make some GM's feel that his season was more impressive and decide to give it to him.

So there you go, the breakdown of the trophies that matter, along with a half-assed attempt at the Norris. You can thank me by doing me a very personal favor. There's a crisis going on in the Gulf of Mexico, and I want you all to be good little children and not just sit on your asses and throw money at the problem through donations. I want you to go down there and literally throw money at the problem, only through offering the well money can we hope to end its demonic belching.

Game One- WTF Was That?

That was truly the strangest game of playoff hockey I have ever seen in my entire life. Has there ever been a team that clearly had the jitters more than the Chicago Blackhawks last night? The puck refused to stay on their sticks, there were some seriously ill-advised passes in the defensive zone, and a strange number of players seemingly just falling over for no reason. Nevertheless, they stole the win out over the Philadelphia Flyers, who should just feel fortunate that Niemi sucked for the first two periods. Even while looking the worst I have ever seen them this season, the Blackhawks still controlled most of the game. They managed to chase "Mr. Zero" aka the back-up waiver pick up that managed to somehow find himself being put up on a pedestal because he played two of the worst offensive teams in hockey aka Michael Leighton. Though the Flyers did manage to produce some nice plays off the rush and played an ok counter-punch game, they can't expect any of that to be there next game. The 'Hawks are frustrated with their level of play, want to up it, and now they smell blood in the water. What bodes worst for the Flyers, is that Chicago is a better road team then a home team. If they don't steal game two, the series will be over.

However who knows what could happen with Chicago's top line sucking beyond utter belief. Dustin Byfuglien, now property of the U.S. Army (see previous post), was a Minus-3 for the game, though many have defended his performance due to his ten hits. Still, by my calculations, minus three + ten hits + no offensive production= terrible. Yet how embarrassing is it for Philly that they can manage to lose a game by giving up six goals, none of which were scored by Patrick Kane, Jon Toews, or Dustin Byfuglien. Yeah, Chicago's second line could be a first line on half the team's in the NHL, but the guys scoring the goals on Chicago were guys like Tomas Kopecky and Dave Bolland. Though many gave the edge to the Flyers' forwards, it is clearly Chicago that has the depth. Once that top line sparks up and starts producing, the Flyers will be buried beneath an avalanche of goals (and mediocre goal-tending). And trust me, avalanches aren't fun, just ask my friend Stephen McChronicallyShoutsOnTheTopOfSnowMountains, they suck.

I know I said I wasn't going to watch this series, but who am I kidding, it's the Cup. It is the most sacred trophy in all of sports. There is no greater (or harder) journey than the quest for Lord Stanley's Chalice. Hockey is a great sport because even after last night, anything can happen in this series. There's tradition in this league, and it's what keeps us watching. Oh and just a heads up, the Flyers hoisted their conference cup, which means they will automatically lose the one that matters.

Yzerman Becomes Lightning GM- Receives Requests For Lecavalier's Semen

Just this week Stevie Y of Detroit Red Wing and that sick goal from the blue line during the Stanley Cup Playoffs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyP76Z3oQxM) became the General Manager of the Tampa Bay Lightning. It's been a big year in Florida for new GM's, with Dale Tallon (the guy who helped build this year's Blackhawks) being introduced as the Panthers new GM as well. Both franchises could benefit from the signings, or fall even further into hockey suckdom. Tallon's got a penchant for risky moves with huge returns, and Yzerman is arguably untested, this is his first stint as an NHL GM.

Upon hearing the news Glen Sather, GM of the New York Rangers, proceeded to give a call to the new Lightning GM to discuss the possibility of Vincent Lecavalier coming to the Rangers. After being told that a trade involving Vinny would be unlikely, Sather reportedly submitted a request for a semen sample from the formerly top tier center having said, "Fine, we'll just make our own Vincent Lecavalier". Though many people within both organizations have informed him that cloning a duplicate of the forward would not only be impossible, but would not be completed until long after his death, Sather refused to listen to reason.

Yzerman refused to produce a sample, and there are now rumors circulating that the two teams may be in talks for a sample from Steve Downie. The asking price is high, and the return quite low, so we can all be excited to see Henrik Lundqvist in Tampa Bay next season, and a new Steve Downie fetus being sported in the newly refurbished MSG.

Things I Will Be Doing Instead of Watching the Stanley Cup Finals

I love hockey, however, I don't love watching sixty minute installments of continuous rape (who am I kidding, of course I do). After all, that is what the Stanley Cup Finals are going to be this year. The Blackhawks will destroy the Flyers. The Flyers have not yet played a real playoff game. Their opponents haven't crashed the net. Their opponents haven't had a Norris Trophy Finalist, nor have they had a Conn Smythe candidate (Jon Toews destroys). Halak is the toughest thing the Flyers have seen...and he's from Slovakia The toughest thing they make in Slovakia is dried peasant jerky. So, to celebrate totally ignoring the Flyers getting dismantled, here's a list of things I'll be doing instead of watching the Stanley Cup Finals.

1) Taking a Bubble Bath- I will literally spend the entire time elapsed between opening face-off and the end of the series in my bath tub, nuff said.

2) Going to Church- I have much to repent for...While in my bath tub. My priest may be upset, but I'll bring him a gift to make up for it (it'll be a child, or a bag of baby carrots).

3) Make Signs Making Fun of Illiterate People

4) Send Oilers to Gulf Spill- From basement team to environmental heroes

5) a) Eat a Fried Oreo for Every Year Since the Leafs Last Won the Cup
b) Gain forty pounds

6) Burn Bags of Candy in Front of Small Children

7) Drink Coffee at a Tea Party Rally

8) Win a Playoff Game in NHL 10 and Proceed to Burn My House Down

9) Prepare to Be Unhappy With My Team's Offseason Moves

It's gonna be a fun Finals.

'Hawks Sweep Sharks- Purchase Puppies to Play First Three Games of Finals

There hasn't been a new post in a while, I apologize, children's services are really really annoying (and fairly stupid, guess who still has custody!!!).

Though the series was fairly evenly played, the Blackhawks closed out the San Jose Sharks in four games today to advance to the Stanley Cup Finals. They now await the victor of the Eastern Conference Finals, which so far has been a hard fought contest between The Hobbits of the Shire, and what I'm assuming are the cast of thugs from Death Wish 3. Both teams are awful. The Canadiens have been shutout three times, and the Flyers look like the Sharks did against Chicago, or how the Canadiens looked against the Penguins. The Finals are going to suck more than I do when I'm broke and I'm really jonesing from some [insert drug here, I don't feel like finishing this joke]. I'm assuming that the Flyers will win, and so I'm going to imagine what that series would look like between the Flyers and 'Hawks...it'll probably look something like the Turkish genocide of hundreds of thousands of Armenians.

The Blackhawks are balanced perfectly for any opponent. They're huge, have good goaltending, defensemen that can score goals and keep the puck out of the net, and can play a puck possession game and a free wheeling game where they push the tempo and create off the rush. Their top six forwards include three snipers, a play maker, a power forward, and a Patrick Kane (I dare you to try classifying his game, it's impossible). And their bottom six are all huge, fast, quality checkers that can score when they need to. I mean Dave Bolland was 2-1-3 in the last 2 games of the series against the Sharks. Now if the 'Hawks dominated the Sharks, who have a good defensive corps, some of the best forwards in the league, and a fairly solid goaltender who posted a .922% save percentage and a 2.43 GAA, what do you think they'll do to Braydon Coburn, Aaron Asham, and Michael Leighton? The Flyers don't have the goal tending, the size, or the speed to compete with Blackhawks. If the 'Hawks can get 40 shots on Nabokov in a game, how many will they get on the Flyers.

Aware of their assured dominance over the East, the Blackhawks have actually purchased a litter of puppies to play the first three games of the series. The team's management thinks its important to rest their players for more challenging things than their upcoming series, like next season's opener, or getting up from a chair. A particularly tough German Shepherd is supposedly going to be matched up on Jeff Carter, who's ankle will most likely break again as a result. Upon hearing about their match up against the dogs, Danny Briere proceeded to make himself a healthy scratch for game one of the series, if they're to play in the finals. Simon Gagne said that he will play the whole series, but looks forward to getting jacked up by Dustin Byfuglien.

Prediction: Blackhawks in four, Flyers get absolutely embarrassed.

NHL Playoffs- Why What I Said Wasn't Wrong

So the Sharks probably aren't going to win the Stanley Cup Playoffs this year, but that doesn't mean I'm an idiot for saying they were going to. Chicago at the time looked inconsistent, and had been blown-out by the Canucks in Game One. Also, saying they were going to win the Cup was more a form of hyperbole to show that this was not the same team of chokers that had been assembled in previous years. Though Chicago will most likely be the team to advance to the Finals, the Sharks shouldn't be written off as an afterthought. This year's team was good, and did a lot to remove the tag of choker from the franchise. Just because they weren't the best, doesn't mean they weren't damn good. That being said, Chicago over-matches them in every aspect of the game. Their defensemen are more versatile, and are arguably better defensively. Chicago is more uptempo and can play both on the rush and through puck possession. They're also way too big to be intmidated and controlled by San Jose's hard forechecking offensive system. Offensively, the Sharks top pieces are arguably better, however the 'Hawks of the depth. Even their checkers scored twenty goals this season. The series should go to Chicago.

Montreal on the other hand, did the exact opposite of what they were supposed to do last night. You may ask "But how? They controlled the tempo of the game and had the puck on their sticks almost the whole time. They even played better defense." Well if you're asking this, you must be a little fucking retarded. Yeah great, they played a puck possession game, WHEN THE FUCK DID THEY EVER DO THAT PREVIOUSLY IN THIS POSTSEASON?? The Habs didn't make it this far by playing like a normal hockey team, so why are they trying to change their game plan. When it comes down to it, they go as Halak goes. Yes, there's the issue of Leighton, but he's not that good, and he'll most likely waiver eventually. In order to win, Halak needs to be a stud, and he's only a stud if he's busy. He's told this to the media, to his team, to everyone under the sun. Yet for some reason the Habs have changed their game plan and Halak has thus suffered. Is it good that Halak needs to be busy? No. But you have to play with the cards dealt to you. Montreal, the regular season proved you're not a very good hockey team, so stop playing regular season hockey.

Why Montreal Needed To Get Blown Out

I'm not saying that getting beaten 6-0 (though outshooting them 28-25) was a great thing for the Montreal Canadiens, it was a huge knock to their confidence, and an especially huge one for Halak, who is still only 25 years of age. However, this loss could nonetheless turn into something positive for the Canadiens. Last series, they outshot the Penguins in game one 32-24, and lost 6-3. But they went on to lead that series, and trailed in shots and time on attack in the subsequent six games. If the Canadiens are going to reach the Stanley Cup Finals, they'll need to do the same thing now.

As strange a concept as it seems, the Philadelphia Flyers are not good enough for the Habs to beat. Last night, the Flyers didn't move the puck beautifully, and they didn't set up their offense around the perimeter. The Flyers are a seventh seed, and play like one. That could be a problem. The Habs find their success in playing a desperation game, they need to play opponents who man-handle them in the shot department, control the puck for most of the game, get lulled into a sense of false dominance, and then leave themselves exposed to neutral zone turn overs that translate into Montreal goals. The Canadiens need to play like underdogs, and last night they played like competitors.

If the Canadiens are going to win this series, they need to go back to what they were doing before. They have to crash the net, play team defense, the forwards need to come back hard on the back check, and they need to get those neutral zone turnovers. Last night they didn't really do any of it, and what little of it they did, they did poorly. Yes, they came back hard on the backcheck, however they only did so just to get burned again.

The Flyers may just be too big, too fast, and too physical for the Canadiens to play with. The microcosm of last night's game was definitely when Scott Hartnell passed the blue line, and had P.K. Subban matched up on him as he did it. Hartnell then turned on the gas and drove hard to the net. Subban could not keep up, and fell to the ice as he watched to see what would become of the play. The Flyers were faster, they drove the puck right up center-ice, and they out-bodied the Canadiens. The Canadiens tried dumping the puck and getting offense along the boards down low, just to have a Flyer break up the play after ten to twenty seconds. The Flyers were too big for the Habs to establish proper board play, and that could be a serious issue in the long run. Though the Habs are scrappy, they just don't have the size.

Not only are the Canadiens under-sized, but their game last night was full of mistakes. The very first goal of the game was cause because a Habs forward did not pick up Braydon Coburn as he entered the play and crashed the net. The Habs also tried using the body in the neutral zone, when active sticks would make much more sense against a team that's bigger and faster. Scott Gomez would also handle the puck and slow down the break out from the defensive zone. Though I would have done the same thing, as the Flyers were clogging the neutral zone, he slowed down the break out too much, and prevented the Habs from executing their counter-punch style offense. Thus, they tried establishing sustained offensive pressure, which causes issues for forwards coming back on D, and can lead to defensemen making ill-advised pinches in the offensive zone.

The Canadiens may still have the magic (and the swagger) left to overcome this defeat and win the series. But they can only reach the Finals if they stick to their guns and stay the course. Don't change the game plan. The Flyers may easily win this series, however I think it's interesting that I would expect a sweep of the Flyers by the Blackhawks*, when I wouldn't expect them to sweep the Habs.

*Yes, The Sharks are just as good, I was just making a point.

Sidney Crosby Has Escaped Ovie's Criticisms

After Alexander Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals were upset in the first round by the upstart Montreal Canadiens, there was no shortage of criticism for the D.C. captain. "He didn't score clutch goals," "He wasn't a team player," "He's proven this year that Crosby has surpassed him as the world's greatest player." Fast forward a few weeks, and Sidney Crosby's Penguins have now lost to the Montreal Canadiens in seven game, with their captain scoring one goal all series. Yet where are his detractors? No one questions Crosby's ability after this loss, but why?

I'm not saying that Crosby's ability as a player should be questioned, he's one of the world's best, unfortunately. However, look at the the way the two performed in their respective series against the Habs. Ovie's criticism was well deserved, he didn't score when he needed to, and he tried to everything himself in game seven. However, Ovie still went 5-5-10 in the series. Not the performance that the Caps needed necessarily, but by no means bad in any regard. Crosby was 1-4-5 and a minus 2 for the series, after putting up 5-9-14 in their series against Ottowa, which was a whole game shorter. Comparably, Crosby performed worse against the Canadiens than Ovechkin did. Additionally, Ovechkin's on a team that shouldn't need him to score goals every game. Without him in the line up this season, the Caps were 7-2-1, and the Capitals scored over three hundred goals this season. If you subtract Ovechkin's total for goals this season from the team total, the Capitals would still be the highest scoring team in the league. Crosby on the other hand, is on a team where if he doesn't score, there isn't a lot of depth to help him out. Yes, there's Malkin and Staal, but Staal gets matched up as a defensive forward, and Malkin just isn't having the best year. Aside from their three centers, who's there to score goals? Matt Cooke? Max Talbot? Craig Adams? The Penguins aren't deep enough to have their captain not score goals. The Capitals are.

Yet Crosby has nothing left to prove to the world. Yes, he didn't perform up to the moment, but he has the luxury of crying about it to his Olympic Gold Medal and Stanley Cup Ring. Ovechkin has none of those things, he's the Lebron of the sport, and Crosby's the Kobe. Ovechkin has the greater skill, but Crosby has the bling to prove otherwise. And that's why he hasn't be bombarded with criticism. Crosby's reputation is one of a leader, and a champion (if not a whiner as well). Ovechkin's is that of a talented player who plays a reckless game of sheer passion, brute force, and overwhelming speed, yet a talented player who has not won a Cup, and led his team to an early exit in the Olympics. When it comes down to it, Crosby's history speaks for itself. It doesn't matter that he didn't do what was expected of him this one time, because he's done it in the past. Ovechkin's history speaks otherwise. They're both enormously talented players, yet Ovechkin's skill comes from his hands, and Crosby's comes from his head. One of them has the bling to show which is more valuable.

Montreal Residents Riot After Forgetting What it's Like to Win

Forty one people were arrested in Montreal following the Canadiens' game seven ouster of the Pittsburgh Penguins. As the game ended residents began to pour into the streets and started to loot stores, break windows, and vandalize private property. The most malicious of partiers even began raping churches, burning women, and committing acts of general pillagery and douchebaggery. Keep in mind, they won the game.

Clearly, the residents of Montreal have been so detached from winning for so long, that they have forgotten how to celebrate, or even understand the concept of winning. For example, let's say you're playing a nice game of Trivial Pursuit with some dinner guests, and you win the game. You don't celebrate by smashing your television in with a brick. I do, but that's something else entirely. After all, my family is my television.

Yet this is not the first time that the residents of Montreal have taken to the streets in anger after a glorious victory in the playoffs. They rioted to a much greater extent in 2008 when the Habs beat the Bruins in a first round playoff series. There was also rioting after their 1986 and 1993 Stanley Cup victories.

Now you may ask yourself, "where are the police in all of this?" But we musn't forget, this is taking place in Montreal. Testosterone was banned as an illegal substance in the area even when they were just French, and not Canadian. I mean give the city a break, they're French and they're Canadian. They're the Helen Kellers of North America. We should be proud of the residents for even knowing how to break things and loot stores. After all that's what manly cities like Detroit do, and look how great that city's doing right now. Either way, I'm just looking forward to writing this same exact post when they lose in the Stanley Cup Finals.

Malkin Trade Rumors

John Grigg of the Hockey News suggested today that the Pittsburgh Penguins may, or at least should, trade away center Evgeni Malkin. He argues that the Penguins need a good winger to play with Crosby on the first line, andthat Jordan Staal needs more ice time, and that trading away Malkin will give them cap space for a new winger, and will give Staal the second line center spot. I personally think the idea is fascinating, and I think that there's a legitimate chance of it happening. It will be interesting to see if they trade for Crosby's winger, or trade away Malkin and then sign one. This year's free agency group is not particularly impressive so I would guess the former, however, Patrick Marleau played wing this season and had 40 goals, he could be an interesting possibility for them.

Although the chances of this happening are slimmer than the people I've kidnapped and subsequently starved in my cellar, I'd love to see him go to the Rangers. Malkin feeding Gaborik would actually be the greatest thing to watch ever, and not just because of that statement's sexual undertones. He's fairly large, and though he doesn't check or play too much defense, if you put him in the middle of Gaborik and Dubinsky, Dubinsky can provide the grit and physicality. Either way I doubt he'd go there. A trade would most likely involve the Rangers giving up either Callahan or Del Zotto or one of the other good youngsters, and the idea of giving up a member of the team's nucleus might sit too well with all Ranger fans. I think it's a very interesting idea though, we'll see if he ends up going anywhere once July swings around.

The Glorious Rise of the Montreal Canadiens

The Blackhawks play a beautiful puck possession game with crisp passing and quick puck movement. The Capitals play a freewheeling, high flying offensive game that churns out goals like nobody's business. But not the Montreal Candiens. They don't do any of that. Yet there's no team left in the Stanley Cup Playoffs that I enjoy watching more.

There are numerous reasons for the Habs' ability to compete with the East's elite this post-season. Their goalie is outstanding, his reflexes are sharp and his positioning is impecable. Their defensemen play conservatively, block shots, and keep their sticks in the passing lanes. Their forwards come back hard on D, and break out quickly and effectively. When they can't break out, they clear the zone. Simple as that. And when they're on offense, they get the puck to the net, and crash it hard. This is how hockey should be played.

The Canadiens can beat the Washington Capitals and the Pittsburgh Penguins because they play the purest form of hockey. They don't rely on perimeter offense and star power. They rely on the boards and their grit. Yes, Alex Ovechkin and Sid Crosby can score fifty goals and a hundred points in a season, yet they failed to get past an eighth seeded team that was the worst team to get into the playoffs statistically. For all the Pens' and Caps' star power, they still lost. Because one player does not make a team.

The team game is everything in this sport. That's how the Nashville Predators challenged the Blackhawks in their first round series. That's how the Canadiens win games that they're outshot 55-21 in. Don't get me wrong, this is not a revolution in hockey. Teams will sign players like Ilya Kovalchuk to big money contracts for regular season goals and post-season disappointments. Yet a trend is going to rise in this league after this kind of run, if you want to win the Cup, then build a team. The Chicago Blackhawks have six snipers and playmakers as their top six forwards, and six grinders and checkers as their bottom six. As it should be. Their defensemen are great defensively and offensively, as it should be. A team needs to be balanced, and stick to their gameplan. The Habs are doing just that. They want the Cup, and they're going after it with grit, and determination.

Hockey is not the world's prettiest sport. But it is the world's best, because of stories like these. Only in hockey could an eighth seed consistently outperform juggernauts that are ranked seven seeds above them. The game needs to be simplified, and the Canadiens are proving why. If you want a cup, don't get a Kovalchuk, get a Gionta. By no means will the NHL see a revolution in team construction after this, but teams would be wise to learn from this run. A team is not a tower which has been built upon the foundation of a scoring winger. A team is a wall, and every brick counts just as much as every other brick.

Every purist puckhead in the world should be rejoicing at what's occurring in the NHL right now. Because the Montreal Canadiens are showing the big boys how hockey was meant to be played.

Heatley Beaten by Girl in Pitching Duel-Demands She Be Traded Immediately

For those of you who haven't seen this yet, prepare to piss your pants. This is Dany Heatley throwing out the first pitch at a San Francisco Giants game back on April 26th, right after the Sharks had dispatched the Avs. Here it is:



Hilarious.

Clearly, Dany Heatley is either distinctly female, or Canadian. He was in such a fuss after the debacle that Heatley demanded that either he or she be traded from the Sharks immediately. When told that she didn't belong to the Sharks' organization and that there was nothing that could be done about it, he began to burst into tears and ran to weep bitterly on the shoulder of Joe Thornton. No word yet on whether or not any spooning and/or cuddling occurred.

Stars Sign Kari Lehtonen to 3-Year $10,650,000 Extension- Goalie Cheers From Hospital Bed

The Dallas Stars (aka, the future employer of my retarded and inbred children) signed 26-year old goalie Kari Lehtonen to a three year ten million dollar extension. Apparently, someone in the organization thought that the hockey community was starting to doubt their level of sheer stupidity, way to prove em wrong guys! Lehtonen has been injury-free in his career for as long as I have been sober. Even my wife tells me how stupid a move it is, before I mercielssly chain her to the radiator and break out my belt.

Lehtonen was traded to the Stars earlier this season from the Atlanta Thrashers. He was a first round pick in the 2002 draft, and has been perennially injured since then, suffering from serious back problems that have caused him to get surgery twice. As much as I love the fact that the Stars are ditching Turco and finding their franchise goalie of the future, I don't know if I'd pick Kari Lehtonen as that franchise goalie. But who knows, maybe he'll be the next Marian Gaborik and leave his injury woes back with Atlanta. It will be interesting to see where Turco ends up. My guess is he'll go somewhere in need of a goalie that can quickly compete for the cup with him there, somewhere like Washington or Philadelphia (not that I think they can immediately compete, it's just that the Flyers think they can immediately compete).

I'd be terribly skeptical of this decision by the Dallas Stars, almost as skeptical as I am of modern medicine and federal government. It would be one thing if they were paying the guy cheap, but he's getting serious money in this extension. Though it's not six or seven million a year like a Lundqvist or a Luongo, the amount that he's being paid per year could be a serious detriment to the Stars if he's injured the whole time. My solution for the Stars would be cloning Jordan Staal (see previous post entitled "Staal Returns to Ice Five Days After Surgery") and turning him into a goaltender. The guy's athletic, he could do it. Plus, he heals like the fucking Terminator, but that's just my take on the issue.

Philadelphia Loses Starting Goalie- Becomes Better Hockey Team

The Philadelpiha Flyers may actually still have a chance of winning their second round series against the Boston Bruins, thanks to the loss of their starting goaltender- Brian Boucher. He was injured late in the second period last night, and will most likely be out for the rest of the series. He got caught in a scrum beneath Miroslav Satan and an insignificant Philadelphia Flyer.

Luckily for the Flyers, their back up Michael Leighton (aka the guy who got injured and allowed Boucher a crack at the starting spot to begin with) was able to shutout the Bruins for the remainder of the game. Leigthon actaully had a winning record as the starter, and a save percentage of over .900. Boucher had neither of those things. With Leighton in net, the Flyers are actually a better hockey team. They could easily steal this series from the Bruins like a child molestor routinely steals the innocence from a glowing, yet supple, school-boy. The Bruins are missing two top six forwards, and a top six defensemen. They look tired and their goalie looks fatigued and sloppy, while the Flyers look like they've had new life breathed into them with the return of Simon Gagne.

Leighton was cleared just the day before the injury to the Boucher, which was very fortunate timing for the Flyers...as well as Michael Leighton. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think that he paid a few guys to injure Boucher's knees so that he could have his starting job back. I'd also be lying if I said that I do not have genital herpes, but that doesn't stop me from doing it. The timing of all of this is incredibly lucky for Philadelphia, and they should be thanking the hockey Gods for their good fortune. Now let us finish this post by appreciating the irony that the Bruins are being torn apart by injuries, while the Flyers are being improved by them. Let us also hope, that they somehow manage to make hockey history by being the first participants in hockey history, in a series where both teams lose.

Mike Cammalleri Has Eleven Goals- Hobbit Community Rejoices

Mike Cammalleri has eleven goals this postseason. Mike Cammalleri is 5'7". Mike Cammalleri scores .164 goals per inch of himself, making him the most efficient scorer in the NHL Postseason. If you don't think that's a legit statistic, then shut up and humor me. The Midget of Montreal (we like alliteration here) has hobbits world wide rejoicing-they haven't had this much fame since Elijah Wood and Sean Astin made everyone think hobbits were gay on the big screen. Cammalleri has had such a profound effect on the popularity of Hobbits in Montreal that many French Canadians have begun to tape shoes to their knees and walk on them to try and emulate the limited height of their star scorer.
What's perhaps more exciting, is that Peter Jackson recently announced plans to make the Lord of the Rings prequel the Hobbit into a feature film. Rumor has it that Cammalleri is a front runner for the lead role, though he's facing stiff competition from the likes of Tom Cruise, Daniel Radcliffe, and the kid from Role Models. Let's hope he can be as prolific an action star as he is a goal scorer, and let's also hope that the Canadiens may continue to the next round so that they can further this great reputation that they have made for those who are vertically challenged.

Staal Plays- Scott Gomez Literally Shits on Me

This is God punishing me for losing the faith. How could I count out the only good story line in the Eastern Conference Playoffs. The Habs beat the Pens tonight to force a game seven by a margin of 4-3. Maxime Lapierre came up big again with a clutch goal late in the third to make it 4-2, yet Billy Guerin made it 4-3 with less than two minutes left by deflecting a hard slap shot from Sergei Gonchar. Nevertheless, Jaroslav Halak and the Canadiens pulled out the win, with goals from Cammalleri, Lapierre, and Spacek (first game back in nine games). Staal skated, and hit a post or cross bar three times in his first game since severing a tendon in game one of the series.
In other news, turns out I was wrong (kind of) about the return of Staal. I was correct, because Crosby scored his first goal of the series, and I accredited Staal with allowing Crosby to play offense. However, I wasn't correct about them losing (who knew that Marc-Andre Fleury was so inconsistent?...Oh wait, every single person who's ever watched him play a hockey game, my bad). The Penguins are going to be hard pressed to win game seven. Though they're at home, the Habs go into this game in the better position. The Canadiens aren't the defending champs, and the Canadiens aren't going to potentially lose to an eighth seed in the second round. This is the Penguins' to lose, and thus the Canadiens' to win.

Barry Melrose Says Boston Bruins Best Team Left in Playoffs- Subsequently Legally Prevented From Reproducing

Over the weekend Barry Melrose appeared on ESPN's Sportscenter in an attempt to further prove to the world that he is in fact legally retarded. When asked who he thought the best team left in the playoffs was, he responded, "The Boston Bruins". He then continued to elaborate this point with evidence that proved the contrary of what he was saying. He said that they're the best because they've been scoring clutch goals late in games when down by a goal to the Philadelphia Flyers. That right there, is why Barry Melrose is an idiot. You don't provide evidence to prove someone's great by saying something shitty about them. Saying they score clutch goals to tie games, means that they were actually losing at points to the Philadelphia Flyers. The Flyers' goalie is a back-up of a back-up of a back-up. The Flyers suck, they belong nowhere in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and that stands for every team in the East except the Pittsburgh Penguins, and Jaroslav Halak (yes i know he's not a team, but he's just so good). The Bruins faced a sixth seed in the first round that was masquerading as a third seed, and they're now playing the Broad Street Bullies, who are a ninth place team masquerading as a seventh seed. These kinds of stupid statements by Barry Melrose are exactly why he poses a threat to our society. What if someone dies laughing at one of his pieces of analysis, or worse, what if he reproduces?

Well no need to worry about that. Upon hearing the latest piece of Melrose Misinformation, the United States issued an emergency piece of legislation calling for the castration of Barry Melrose. In fact upon hearing his ESPN analysis, he jumped up on the U.S. Most Dangerous Person Watch List by sixteen spots, beating the likes of Faisal Shahzad, and the Hamburgler. There is no word yet on what is going to be done with his balls, though I'm assuming that some Detroit Red Wings fan will most likely try to acquire them [insert joke about Wings fans being gay/sucking here]. Rumor has it that he will be receiving his own special section in the new edition of the Darwin Awards, probably because he is the first person that will be featured in the book due to a lifetime of stupidity. May we all thank our respective lords (mine's Gragnon the Alien Viking) that we will never have to see the day where Barry Melrose can further infect the world with his stupidity.

How to Fix: The Edmonton Oilers

Yes, I know it's still the playoffs, but let's face it, the only thing I find more boring than the Stanley Cup Playoffs right now (except for the Pens-Habs series) is the incessant begging of my family for me to stop mercilessly beating them (not gonna happen). If you're wondering why there hasn't been a post for almost four days now I'll tell you why, it's because I was trying to find out how I was going to write this post. Trying to fix the Edmonton Oilers is like trying to fix a car that has no engine, is perpetually on fire, and has been inhabited by Poltergeist. The idea to try and fix the Oilers next was oddly reminiscent of a Windows Seven ad, but less gay. I was in the shower and said to myself "Well wouldn't this be a bitch to try and solve?" And trust me, it is. So here's how to fix the Edmonton Oilers, sort of.

1. Draft Taylor or Tyler

This step is easier than your mother (cheap shot, I know, but let's be honest, she's a whore). They have the first overall pick, and honestly it doesn't matter whether you pick Taylor Hall or Tyler Seguin, because they're both studs, and are going to be fantastic players in the National Hockey League. Hall may be the more dynamic player, but I think Seguin is more reliable as a scorer. I think it depends mostly on whether they want a center or a winger (I'd personally go with the center, big, scoring centers are hard to come by in this league). If I were them I would take Seguin, and have him center a line with left-winger Dustin Penner, who had 32 goals this season, very impressive considering he's an Edmonton Oiler.

2. Get a Goalie

Penner and their shiny new draft pick will provide some offense for the team, but they really need to work on keeping the puck out of the net. They finished the season with most goals allowed in the NHL at 278. They have two young guys in Devan Dubnyk and Jeff Deslauriers, but they both suck more than (you guessed it) your mom. That filthy, filthy slut. In my opinion they should trade for a young goalie that they can build around and have an immediately solid starter out of. I'm thinking either Carey Price of the Montreal Canadiens, or Chad Johnson of the New York Rangers/Hartford Wolfpack. In five games the kid put up numbers almost identical to those of Henrik Lundqvist, and let's face it the Rangers don't need an outstanding youngster right now with Henrik in between the pipes. I think Chad Johnson could be good for them to build on, and could be acquired cheaply.

3. Scrap the Scrubs and Old Men

The roster is full of players that probably should either a) be in the minors b) be buried deep within the earth so that they can never play the game of hockey again or c) be euthanized (be honest who doesn't love the idea of death panels?). There are a few players on this team who should be gotten rid of though, not because of age, but because of cap and production. For instance, Shawn Horcoff needs to go. His cap hit is $7,000,000, he's on the wrong side of thirty, and he had a paltry 36 points this season and was -29. He has size, which is something that the Oilers lack seriously at the forward position, yet with his contract he needs to be either traded or sent down into the minors. Sheldon Souray also needs to go, he's approximately minus zagillion for his career, he's injury prone, and he's old. Unfortunately for the two of them, I can't think of a single destination for either player, and thus they may need to be banished to the minors or bought out. Ethan Moreau should be kept though, just because his cap hit is tolerable, and he provides some veteran experience.

4. Use the Free Agent Market (a little).

Alright so let's break down the Oilers' roster so far after some of these changes have been made. The goalie is either Price or Johnson, the first line is Penner, Seguin, and Ales Hemsky, and the first defensive pairing is Ryan Whitney and whoever the fuck is left at the defensive position. I think that the Oilers should sign Anton Volchenkov from the Senators (fat chance) or Dan Girardi from the Rangers. Volchenkov would obviously be the more appealing option, and Girardi would be an RFA which would make him harder to get at. With Volchenkov on the roster, the Oilers would have an actual defensive pairing that would be capable of stopping other teams' offenses. Also, re-signing Mike Comrie could be a low cost solution to getting a solid centerman with some valuable experience. The Oilers should stay away from free agents over the age of thirty two who are going to require large contracts; there's no quick fix for this team, and they shouldn't think that signing Saku Koivu is going to be a long term solution. Still, if the Oilers can get some solid free agents for a low price to fill up the lower lines, they Oilers could be on their way to being a competitive team in a couple of years.

5. Size Up

Their forwards are too small. Nuff said.

The Oilers are a terrible hockey team. Their wikipedia page says that they were in rebuilding mode for thirteen years, and have been since their last playoff run. Let's hope they can shape up as an organization so that the Islanders can become the new basement team, and thus earn all the scorn and ridicule of the hockey community, all seven people in it.

Byfuglien Scores Hat Trick- U.S. Army Announces Plans to Model Tank After Chicago Forward

Dustin Byfuglien (pronounced Buflin), the son of two (clearly) dyslexic parents, scored three goals last night in a dominating 5-2 over the Vancouver Canucks. The Ca-sucks, though blasting the Blackhawks in game one, have lost every single bit of momentum in the series. They gave up a lead to lose game two, which is never good for confidence, and then they got dominated by the 'Hawks on home ice. And when I say dominated, I mean dominated. Think Marian Hossa in assless (are there any other kind?) chaps and Patrick Kane with whips and fishnets. Dominatrix style.

Byfuglien carried the team the whole night on his wide (and supple) frame. At 6' 4" and 257, Byfuglien effectively used his size to create room in the crease, screen Luongo, and tap in rebounds. It was one of the best performances I've seen from a role player like him. Kris Versteeg and Marian "the only reason the Blackhawks will not win the cup this season" Hossa also added goals apiece for Chicago. Alexander Burrows and Jannik Hansen added tallies for Vancouver. Let me be the first to ask, who the fuck is Jannik Hansen? Nevertheless, it was the Byfuglien show all night last night, even with Niemi making 31 saves on 33 shots.

In fact, it was such a clutch performance for the 25-year old Minneapolis native, that the U.S. army just today announced plans to model their newest line of tanks after the power forward. Feeling jealous, Sweden also announced a new line of tanks, though theirs will be modeled after the Sedin twins, Henrik and Daniel. When asked if the new vehicles would be entitled "Twinkie Tanks", the Swedish Secretary of the Press proceeded to weep before curling up in a ball and protecting himself from what he must have thought was an incoming check. Oh Swedes (who aren't Henrik Lundqvist or Henrik Zetterberg), your all the same, on ice and off. You're also all name Henrik.

The new tanks reportedly can fire shells a distance of 2 miles, travel at a speed of 40 miles per hour, and can easily burn Matt Gilroy in OT http://www.newson6.com/Global/story.asp?S=11652864.

Staal Back on Ice Five Days After Surgery- Scott Gomez Literally Shits Himself

For those of you who think that the Habs could easily take on the Penguins after slaying the mighty Caps- you are perhaps more retarded than the five illegitimate children I've had out of wedlock (they're retarded because they're illegitimate, not because I fathered them with chronic alcoholics). As much as I love the Montreal Canadiens, and as much as everyone on the Montreal Canadiens loves men, they are finished. Yes, they have frustrated Sidney the Kidney offensively, however, with Jordan Staal back in the line up that could change fast. Staal is the Penguins' best defensive forward, and is often matched up against the other team's best offensive line. This allows Crosby to forget what defense is, and focus more on his offensive game. Without Staal there, both Crosby and Malkin were forced to take on more defensive duties, which prevented them from scoring.

It also made the lives of the top two Montreal lines much happier. Unfortunately for them, that's all about to change. Markov's out, which hurts them defensively already (although Kudos to Gill, Gorges, and Subban for not being utterly incompetent at their jobs), plus the return of Staal is going to reignite this Penguins team and cause matchup nightmares for the Habs.

However, the Habs aren't the only ones who should be frightened by the return of Staal, we all should be too. He severed a ligament and had surgery five days ago, and he can already skate. He is clearly a monster of Cloverfield type proportions. This is usually the part where I shrink into my defensive shell of fear and start shouting anti-semitic things at my aggressor, but for now, it's ok. He's on our side. And if he were ever to attack a major city with his fire breath (you know he has it) or laser eyes, we always have our vodka. Yes, for making molotov cocktails, but mostly for drinking myself into a stupor so as not to feel the pain of being slaughtered by Selkezilla.

*The author of this post is Jewish, for anyone who was shitting their pants over the Anti-Semitism comment*

Why San Jose Will Win the Stanley Cup

It's official. The San Jose Sharks are going to win the Stanely Cup. That's right, the franchise that has turned habitual choking into an artform, is going to go all the way. Want proof? Watch their series against the Red Wings. They've had two (or three, need to check the facts on that) come from behind victories against a seasoned team that always knows how to play playoff hockey. This team has been to the finals twice in the last two years. Henrik ZetterGod is on this team, as is perennial Selke finalist Pavel Datsyuk. Their deep and their experienced, and they're not a team to be easily brushed aside. Yet that is what the Sharks are doing.
The Sharks' scoring is so deep that it's comparable to the depth of the gin in my bathtub that I frequently bathe in. Joe Thorton has two goals in two games, and Joe Pavelski is the most prolific scorer I've seen since that night that my friend slept with eight different women on one night (and got eight different forms of psyphilis). Legit, Nabokov is an experienced goaltender and he's been making some huge saves in the last couple of games, and the Sharks are a force defensively. They're a hard checking team full of men who are so frighteningly huge that I have nightmares about them invading my home.
Many like to argue that the Wings are tired from their late season run into the playoffs, and that the seven game series with Phoenix has depleted their energy levels too a point where they're no longer capable of competing with the much fresher Sharks. But that doesn't matter. Don't write off this Sharks team, if they keep playing like this, they can beat anybody. They can beat Vancouver as long as Roberto Luongo remains so inconsistent in net, and they can beat Chicago as long as they keep not showing up to every other game. And forget the east. The east is a deplorable hockey conference, full of god awful teams. The Sharks can beat anybody in the West right now, and that will inevitably mean a cup.

Here are the keys to San Jose's postseason success:

1. Joe Pavelski Must Continue His Conn Smythe Campaign

Joe Pavelski currently leads the NHL playoffs in goals. Joe Pavelski is currently a second line center. Joe Pavelski is also currently a hockey god amongst men. If he continues to score at this rate, he's going to cause matchup nightmares for opposing teams. If teams have to key up on the Pavelski line just think about how much more ice that opens up for Marleau, Heatley, and Admiral Awful (in the playoffs). Continued offensive production from him both on the powerplay and on even strength is going to be a necessity down the stretch against deep teams like the Black Hawks and Canucks.

2. Nabokov Needs to Come Up Huge

Not that he hasn't already, in fact, Nabokov is having an outstanding series in net. In the third game of the series he continually made huge saves to keep his team in it (I should add, they came back to win that game in OT). Goaltending is everything in the playoffs, and if you need evidence of that, just go ask the Capitals.

3. Keep the Swagger

This series has given the Sharks an abundant amount of confidence. This postseason has turned from another lesson in playoff chokery, to a lesson in how to persevere your way past an opponent whose just a little bit more than pretty damn good.

4. Get the First Line to Get Going

If Pavelski actually manages to continue his insane production, it's going to open up a lot of opportunities of Heatley, Marleau, and Thornton. Yet that's not going to make the slightest bit of difference unless this line manages to actually start scoring some goals. Thornton has been picking up steam with two goals in the last two games, but that's not enough. This line needs to start acting like the best line in professional hockey, which it arguably was during the regular season. Their line boasted 2 goal scorers in the top ten during the regular season, yet none of those three are even close to being top ten caliber this postseason.

The Sharks can do it this year. These guys aren't the chokers that they have perennially been since the start of the franchise. They're deep, they're solid defensively, and their goaltender has been playing clutch hockey. We'll see if the hockey gods agree.

How To Fix: The New York Rangers

Here's a new series that we'll be running every so often throughout the post-season and off-season. "How to Fix" will feature the steps necessary to fixing various teams and franchises. This week's post: The New York Rangers.

The New York Rangers are an amazingly incompetent franchise. They're owners are borderline disabled, and Glen Sather seems to be preparing to write a first hand account of how not to run a hockey club. The old knocks on the rangers used to be "No shutdown defenseman, and no depth at center." Well...at least now we have depth. This season saw the Rangers roster include six centers (Boyle, Dubinsky, Christensen, Prospal, Drury, and Anisimov). The blue line also began to look more promising with the emergence of Staal as a textbook shutdown defenseman, and Girardi as a steady and intelligent player. The rookie season of Michael Del Zotto shows further promise for the corps in front of Lundqvist. There's a solid nucleus at the core of this New York team. That nucleus is surrounded by s***.

Here are the steps that the New York Rangers must take to fix themselves:

1. Demote Roszival and Redden.

There is a host of Ranger fans that seem to think that Michal Roszival is not a bad hockey player...These people obviously gouge their eyes to temporarily blind themselves before watching games. Roszival is a terrible hockey player. He does not use his body, he does not get in passing lanes, he's slow, he pinches stupidly, and he has no shot. Name something a good defenseman should do, and Roszival doesn't do it. Though he may try, effort does not make up for utter lack of talent. Redden, while not a good defenseman, is not the same level of detriment to the club. What is worse though, is his salary cap hit. Depending on where you look, Redden's cap hit ranges from six to eight million dollars a year. Roszival's is about five. Together, they suck the life out of the Rangers salary cap. With Staal looking to get a huge raise this offseason, the Rangers would do well to clear this cap off the books. With Jokinen gone, and Redden and Roszival in the minors, the Rangers now have cleared up sixteen million in cap space.

2. Sign Anton Volchenkov

Volchenkov is a shutdown defenseman that loves to block shots. Nuff said. The cap space cleared from Roszival and Redden getting demoted will allow the Rangers to sign him, greatly increasing the quality of the blue line. Signing him at four or five million is a good price. Volchenkov would be paired with Staal, which would form a formidable shutdown defensive pairing that could compete with any offensive line in the league. Seriously. With the checking line of Anisimov, Shelley, and Prust, this pairing could shutdown any teams top line. Volchenkov's shot blocking would also make life easier for Henrik. Del Zotto and Girardi would form the second pairing, and Eriksson and Gilroy would form the third. For those of you who don't know, Bobby Sanguinetti, a Ranger's first round draft pick, is often discussed in plans for next season, which leads us to our next step:

3. Trade for a First Line Center (Joe Pavelski, Please).

The Rangers need a physical, hard checking, fast skating centerman to center the Gaborik line. Christensen will take the left wing to provide play making ability, and Gaborik will provide the scoring. They just need a center that can add grit, toughness, and versatility to this line. Enter Joe Pavelski, God amongst Sharks. Joe Pavelski would do everything needed for this line, but there's a problem. He is an olympian, and a current Conn Smythe contender. Here's the good part, he's going to be an RFA. The Rangers need to wrestle him away from San Jose, but the price will be steep. Steep as in give up Dubinsky, Sanguinetti, and a pick. Now you may wonder, is this such a smart idea? Dubs could be a star, and Bobby could also be very talented. And the loss of Dubs would hurt the teams grit. But it's either him or Callahan. Another option would be Tomas Plekanec. He will be a UFA this offseason, and he should be relatively affordable. Good luck getting him to leave Montreal though.

4. Get Sean Avery Back to Being Sean Avery

This is fairly simple. The Rangers need his gritty, hard skating, agitating presence back. A return to form from the 08-09 campaign would be greatly beneficial to the team.

5. Stop Line Shuffling

Torts needs to let chemistry build, and stop shaking everything up every two games. In the middle of this season Christensen had an eight game point streak centering Prospal and Gabby. The question must be asked, how was this line not kept together for the rest of the season? Yes, Prospal got injured, however, the line should have been reunited after he returned.

6. Get Callahan to Score

Callahan is a great checking forward who skates hard on the penalty kill. He's also capable of scoring 25 goals a season. Get him there, secondary scoring is vital to this team virtually devoid of snipers (except Gaborik, of course).

7. No Free Agent Fiascos

Don't go signing older free agents. There are no quick fixes to rebuilding this team. Draft good players, bring up people through the system, and sign younger agents that will be part of the nucleus for years to come.

The Rangers have a long way to go, but doing some of these things should help them at least become a playoff worthy team again.

Carey Price's Future (It's Not in Montreal)

Let's face it: Jaroslav Halak is the future of Montreal. First, he wrestled the starting job from Carey Price (although it should be said Price didn't play badly...he just happened to lose). Second, he posted some outstanding performances the likes of which had him being compared to the other Montreal net-minding greats. While the rest of us outside of Habs Nation laugh hysterically at those comparisons, everyone shouldn't write off the hyperbole. The kid's good. Real Good. So far in the postseason he has not lost a game in which he's faced more than 40 shots. And despite some shaky performances in those games that he hasn't faced that magnitude of shots, it's clear that he's the Habs' goalie of the future.

Alas, poor Carey Price. The first round draft pick that was once touted as the future of the franchise, has now been relegated to a back up role on the team. He's also going to be an RFA this offseason. So let's get excited, and start spewing ridiculous trade ideas. I personally think he'll stay in the East, just based on which teams need goaltending the most. The only destination in the west that he would make sense to go to would be Edmonton...unfortunately for Edmonton, almost every team in the NHL would trade for the right to NOT have any of their players (or cap hits) on their rosters. So where would be the smart place for Price to go? What franchise has been so unbelievably desperate for a goaltender for so long that they were actually scared for their situation in net when they lost Ray Emery?

Philadelphia.

Philadelphia needs a goalie. More importantly, it needs a franchise goalie that it can keep for a long time. And perhaps most importantly, they need one for cheap, and they need one from a team that is buying what the Flyers are selling. Price will go cheaper than he probably should. He's an RFA, the Habs won't want to give him another contract, and so the Flyers shouldn't have too much trouble wrestling the right to sign him from the Habs. Plus, the Canadiens, a notably undersized team (cough, Gionta, Cammalleri, Bergeron, cough) would sure love to get a big bruiser in return for what's become a spare part. The addition of a player like Hartnell (though it would never happen) would immediately add toughness and grit to the fluffy Habs. What might make more sense would be a trade for Claude Giroux. The kid is scrappy, and he's young (and he'll fit in amongst The Midgets of Montreal). He'll really be a good player in the league. The details are food for further thought. But Philadelphia is the place for Price.