How to Fix: The Edmonton Oilers

Yes, I know it's still the playoffs, but let's face it, the only thing I find more boring than the Stanley Cup Playoffs right now (except for the Pens-Habs series) is the incessant begging of my family for me to stop mercilessly beating them (not gonna happen). If you're wondering why there hasn't been a post for almost four days now I'll tell you why, it's because I was trying to find out how I was going to write this post. Trying to fix the Edmonton Oilers is like trying to fix a car that has no engine, is perpetually on fire, and has been inhabited by Poltergeist. The idea to try and fix the Oilers next was oddly reminiscent of a Windows Seven ad, but less gay. I was in the shower and said to myself "Well wouldn't this be a bitch to try and solve?" And trust me, it is. So here's how to fix the Edmonton Oilers, sort of.

1. Draft Taylor or Tyler

This step is easier than your mother (cheap shot, I know, but let's be honest, she's a whore). They have the first overall pick, and honestly it doesn't matter whether you pick Taylor Hall or Tyler Seguin, because they're both studs, and are going to be fantastic players in the National Hockey League. Hall may be the more dynamic player, but I think Seguin is more reliable as a scorer. I think it depends mostly on whether they want a center or a winger (I'd personally go with the center, big, scoring centers are hard to come by in this league). If I were them I would take Seguin, and have him center a line with left-winger Dustin Penner, who had 32 goals this season, very impressive considering he's an Edmonton Oiler.

2. Get a Goalie

Penner and their shiny new draft pick will provide some offense for the team, but they really need to work on keeping the puck out of the net. They finished the season with most goals allowed in the NHL at 278. They have two young guys in Devan Dubnyk and Jeff Deslauriers, but they both suck more than (you guessed it) your mom. That filthy, filthy slut. In my opinion they should trade for a young goalie that they can build around and have an immediately solid starter out of. I'm thinking either Carey Price of the Montreal Canadiens, or Chad Johnson of the New York Rangers/Hartford Wolfpack. In five games the kid put up numbers almost identical to those of Henrik Lundqvist, and let's face it the Rangers don't need an outstanding youngster right now with Henrik in between the pipes. I think Chad Johnson could be good for them to build on, and could be acquired cheaply.

3. Scrap the Scrubs and Old Men

The roster is full of players that probably should either a) be in the minors b) be buried deep within the earth so that they can never play the game of hockey again or c) be euthanized (be honest who doesn't love the idea of death panels?). There are a few players on this team who should be gotten rid of though, not because of age, but because of cap and production. For instance, Shawn Horcoff needs to go. His cap hit is $7,000,000, he's on the wrong side of thirty, and he had a paltry 36 points this season and was -29. He has size, which is something that the Oilers lack seriously at the forward position, yet with his contract he needs to be either traded or sent down into the minors. Sheldon Souray also needs to go, he's approximately minus zagillion for his career, he's injury prone, and he's old. Unfortunately for the two of them, I can't think of a single destination for either player, and thus they may need to be banished to the minors or bought out. Ethan Moreau should be kept though, just because his cap hit is tolerable, and he provides some veteran experience.

4. Use the Free Agent Market (a little).

Alright so let's break down the Oilers' roster so far after some of these changes have been made. The goalie is either Price or Johnson, the first line is Penner, Seguin, and Ales Hemsky, and the first defensive pairing is Ryan Whitney and whoever the fuck is left at the defensive position. I think that the Oilers should sign Anton Volchenkov from the Senators (fat chance) or Dan Girardi from the Rangers. Volchenkov would obviously be the more appealing option, and Girardi would be an RFA which would make him harder to get at. With Volchenkov on the roster, the Oilers would have an actual defensive pairing that would be capable of stopping other teams' offenses. Also, re-signing Mike Comrie could be a low cost solution to getting a solid centerman with some valuable experience. The Oilers should stay away from free agents over the age of thirty two who are going to require large contracts; there's no quick fix for this team, and they shouldn't think that signing Saku Koivu is going to be a long term solution. Still, if the Oilers can get some solid free agents for a low price to fill up the lower lines, they Oilers could be on their way to being a competitive team in a couple of years.

5. Size Up

Their forwards are too small. Nuff said.

The Oilers are a terrible hockey team. Their wikipedia page says that they were in rebuilding mode for thirteen years, and have been since their last playoff run. Let's hope they can shape up as an organization so that the Islanders can become the new basement team, and thus earn all the scorn and ridicule of the hockey community, all seven people in it.