What started off as a slow offseason has now stalled and sputtered into an all out freeze. I haven't seen anything move this slow since my mom took the wheels off of my brother's chair for giving her back talk. In fact, the slow pace of this summer has led me to a myriad of new hobbies, including stamp collecting, bird-watching, and tasteless joke telling. So in honor of there being absolutely no news in the NHL, here's my list of things to do while you wait for your team to fuck up in free agency.
1. Eat Waffles
Let's be straight here, waffles are delicious, and versatile. Not only can you eat them with delicious syrup and other sorts of toppings, you can also use them as weapons to express your fury at the mind numbingly uneventful NHL off season.
2. Avoid Sharp Objects
3. Wear Ironic T-Shirts
Brighten up your day by making everyone around you dislike you.
4. Buy Heelies
(See number 3)
5. Play Baseball Mailbox
It's similar to mailbox baseball, only instead of hitting mailboxes with baseball bats, you hit baseball players with mailboxes.
6. Send This Website Witty Jokes
Seriously, we've been at the end of our ropes since the fifth post on this blog.
7. Engage In Witty Banter/Wordplay With A Female
Trust me, there's nothing a woman finds sexier than not getting your jokes.
8. Hit Your Goaltender In The Back Of The Head
Always a good time.
9. Waive Wade Redden
10. Challenge Yourself
It's always good to push yourself beyond your limits. So go out into the world and try something that will try you. Seduce a nun, light a river on fire, ride a polar bear through the streets of a city, try and fix the Eastern Conference- the world is your oyster of impossible tasks.
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