Ten Things That Are More Fun To Play Hockey With Than Pucks

The hockey puck- it's like a blackened disc of incredulous spectacularity. It is the solid manifestation of the elixir that runs through the sport's arteries, and it breaks people's teeth. Now I obviously don't need to explain the importance of the puck to the greatest game played north of the American border- it's a hallowed object, treated with the utmost respect...unless you're Chris Pronger. Still, there are a few things that are more fun to play hockey with than pucks, and here's ten of them.

1. Small Children

There is nothing that fixes a bad day more than bashing five year olds into walls. Period. I've done this many a time, and it is quite the good time. In fact, I enjoy playing hockey with kids so much that I check them into walls even if I'm not at the rink. I'm not legally allowed to drop my kids off at school anymore because of it. Now I know that this column should be about replacing pucks with various items, and not about what's fun to play the actual game with. Therefore, I'm still going to say kids. I guarantee you that nothing would feel more satisfying than ripping your best friend's son past your best friend to score a goal.

2. Grenade

Imagine hot potato, but with hockey sticks and the fear of dying.

3. Ex-Wife's iPhone

I mean in all fairness, you did indirectly buy it for her through alimony checks.

4. A DVD of "Valentine's Day"

I'm not sure if this would actually be fun, but I do know this: the best purpose that that DVD serves is as anything other than a DVD. It makes a great coaster, a great thing to throw at people, a great hand bag- it would probably be a better home than a DVD.

5. William Faulkner's "The Sound and the Fury"

This may not be fun if you're on the slower side, or if you're anything like Andy Sutton. However, it will be cool if you're on the more clever side and want to read some quality literature while braced against the boards. This may be hard for a lot of foreign born players, however I think it could be easier for some of the North American players- especially if you have a name like Brendan Witt- in which case your dazzling cleverness should carry you through.

6. A Book Of Helpful Tips- The First of Which Is Don't Make a Post Ten Things When You Can't Even Think of Five

Seriously, I had trouble even thinking of the first two.

7. A Bag Of Napalm

Your friends will find it hilarious when you shoot at them?

8. A First Aid Kit

I guess this is only applicable if you do number seven.

9. A Stack Of Heathen Hockey Fliers

Doing promotion for us means that I don't have to go home and deal with my self esteem issues- more readers means less judgement from the whole of my family.

10. A Puck

This goes down as the stupidest list ever. The puck is the best thing to play hockey with. That's why we play hockey with it...