If for some reason we were teleported back to ancient Sparta, or if for some reason or society is taken over by a bunch of shirtless men in capes, here's what we'd change about our favorite game:
1. Increase the Frequency of Dramatic Kicking
As all Spartans know, you aren’t a true Greek warrior unless you kick people dramatically after turning a phrase against them. Now we know that a lot of players don’t speak English, so we’re not asking for “This is Sparta” caliber one-liners. The only thing that we care about is the leg spearing.
2. Allow Players To Use Their Skates As Weapons
Skates are dangerous cutting machines, just ask Michael Del Zotto and Teemu Selanne.
Though there is a good amount of violence in hockey, from the fighting, to the incidental high sticking of players (now referred to as pulling a Higgins or getting Belangered), to the players who get hit in the face with the puck, there needs to be more intentional bloodshed. Playing the team whose player concussed your star sniper? Don’t settle for a fight- cut his abdomen. That’s how the Greeks did it.
3. Replace All Goal Songs With A Chorus of Manly Grunts
The Rangers’ Goal Song isn’t masculine enough for a Spartan Warrior- and don’t even think for a second that “Chelsea Dagger” is either. The only thing truly fitting for a warrior with the strength of ten Persian men is just to have grown men grunting and growling into the PA system for ten minutes.
4. Take Junior Players From Their Mothers and Replace the AHL With A Giant Wolf
Nothing prepared the Spartan Warriors for battle more than being separated from their mothers for the majority of their childhood, and nothing was as beneficial to Leonidas as having to kill that giant wolf. Therefore, this idea makes sense…to a Spartan.
5. Each Team Must Be Captained By Gerard Butler
Additionally, all alternate captains must have CGI enhanced muscles, and be forgettable supporting actors that allow Gerard Butler to be the focus of every scene.
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