Epic Conspiracy To Prevent Free Agency Signings- Day Kabillion And Six

This has most likely been the slowest free agency period that the League has seen since the lockout. After a year in which the East should have been accused of filling out their rosters with cardboard cut outs of people, how is it that they are not actively trying to fix their woes? In all seriousness, the East was awful this year, how is it that there can be so many teams standing pat? Yes, teams like the Thrashers have certainly shaken things up, but they still need more. As I've said before, adding a guy like Frolov or Stempniak helps their cause, and considering the cap space they have and the lack of competition in this year's market, they should be easily able to afford them, even considering their franchise budget. Thus, many are now wondering why it is that this market freeze is occurring. Some are blaming it on the cap crunch that has gripped the league this year, as well as the financial situations of many franchises. Those people, though they sound correct with their logic and expert analysis of the league's economic and financial situation, are idiots. As is true with all things that are confounding, it's a conspiracy.

A Russian conspiracy.

The KHL has not been shy about trying to draw star players from the league, and so far they've been doing a good job of poaching this off season. They've already drawn such greats as Pavol Demitra, and Steve Valiquette. All sarcasm aside, they did manage to pull in Evgeni Nabokov, but shhh. Thus, in an attempt to try and tempt more players to come and play for Russian money, they have enacted a crazy conspiracy. We're talking Rubicon/Lost shit. First, they put a cap crunch on half the teams in the NHL. Second, they destroy the U.S. economy. Third, they travel back in time and convince Kovie to come to the NHL and fuck things up ten 7 years in the future. Fourth, they convince the Flyers to sign Nik Zherdev. And voi la, you have the worst NHL off season ever. Many have tried to seek further inquiry into the subject, even going to such lengths as trying to question Russian President Demitri Mededev. Nevertheless, these attempts were unsuccessful due to, as the Russian State Department put it, "We got drunk and broke it, whatever, we'll get new ventriloquist dummy!"