Three Methods To Improve Your Skating- Hardcore Style

Any self respecting person knows that the most important thing in life is being hardcore. Anybody who realizes this, also realizes that the only real way to spell hardcore is to type it as HARDCORE. As a result, people are always asking me what they can do to improve their skating to the most hardcore. Here are the three answers I usually give them after ripping off my shirt and lighting myself on fire.


1. Kidnap Overbearing Parents

There are no better skating coaches than hovering parents. In no other place can you find as good a mix of guidance and concentrated crazy. Have motivation issues? Well not after you have a week's worth of meals deprived from you and your pillow laced with staph. These parents are usually hard to come by- but I'm sure that you can easily lure one to your abode/mud hut through an ad on Craig's List advertising your services as a vehicle through which to live vicariously. Though I have not tried any myself, I have also heard that classic style hunting traps work especially effectively, especially when featuring any sort of smoked or dried meat product as bait.

2. Increase Your Inspired Grunting While Exercising

Along with appraising antique shoe laces, hoarding toothpaste, and watching videos of people without fingers playing guitar, useless math is one of my favorite activities. I used that useless math to calculate exactly how much grunting increases your hardcore factor when exercising. As it turns out, it increases it a shit load. The art of the grunt, however, is quite difficult to master. To be sure that your grunt will sound as manly and organic as possible, prepare yourself by having friends throw bars of soap at your torso. Nothing toughens you up like soap- just ask Vincent D'Onofrio.

3. Protein Shakes

Now if you're really going to make your skating hardcore, you can't just drink regular protein shakes- these need to be extreme. Try tossing in a egg yolk, or some bull sweat. If you're really going to get your form up, you need strength- and the only way to get strength is through diet. Drink a quart of ram's sperm, ingest an ancient stone from the heart of a Sumerian tomb. After all, things can only improve (unless of course, you become cursed by an ancient god from the heart of Sumer). So go out and shake things up- HARDCORE STYLE (pun intended).


Be sure to tune in over the next week as we post the best ways to transform your fantasy hockey team by picking players solely based on the bad assery of their names.