Five Things To Expect From Habs Fans When Halak Comes Back To Town

Jaroslav Halak is scheduled to return to Montreal this saturday to do some fund raising for Saku Koivu's charity. I'm sure this excites the hearts (and the loins) of many Canadiens fans, perhaps to the point of near hysteria. In honor of the return Jaroslav Halak, expert puck stopper and intense stare giver, here are the five things to expect from Habs fans as the Client makes his way through the city.


1. Unceremonious Weeping

As opposed to ceremonious weeping, which usually involves some kind of announcement and pre-planned ornate venue, this weeping will be sudden and absolutely understandable. Fans will cry at the departure of their playoff hero, at the fact that Carey Price still has a job in Montreal, and the fact that original Law and Order was cancelled. We kid of course (just about the Law and Order thing). People will cry. Trust me. Don't be surprised if even non crying fans begin bawling once they touch him. He's so great, they'll probably start crying out of the part of their bodies where he touched them.

2. Burning

Everything will be on fire. Everything. Not necessarily out of anger though. Fire's just kind of Montreal's thing- who else riots after a first round playoff series win?

3. An Intricate Plot To Kidnap Halak And Keep Him In Montreal

Don't worry, there won't be any guns. Not only would they never hurt Jaro, but they're from Montreal, which means they suck at 98% of activities that aren't complaining in French, playing effeminate entrance songs for their sports teams, smoking heavily, and being disliked by the rest of Canada. Not that it would matter if they had guns or not. Halak could stop a bullet. Seriously.

4. Requests For Signed Babies

A baby is now the third trendiest thing to have signed by athletes and celebrities, following calf muscles and ziploc bags of human fat (you're welcome for that image). There have already been rumors of Montreal "women" building catapults to launch their babies at the playoff idol. Obviously, a cannon would be much more effective as a baby flinger, but don't blame the Montreal inhabitants for their choice of catapult- they don't have the technology to build anything ballistic. What's lucky for the mothers is that those autographs will last for years to come, due to the lack of bathing and general hygiene within the city limits.

5. Disappointed Realizations That Even With Halak The Habs Would Still Suck

I like the Canadiens, but they suck. They have one defenseman under the age of thirty, have four players that would be considered top six skaters, and have a GM who I'm fairly certain is working to destroy the franchise piece by piece. Even if Halak were there, the defensive corps is putrid, and the bright spots in the organization are few and far between. Habs fans, I understand your sadness over the loss of your beloved goalie. May you take solace in the fact that you're a washed up franchise anyway, and would undoubtedly suck whether Halak were there or not.