Five 19th-Century Statesmen That Would Make Great Hockey Players

Adding to our line of completely hockey related lists like "Five Things We'd Change About Hockey If We Lived In Ancient Sparta," and "Five Reasons I Should Stop Posting Lists," here are the five statesmen of the nineteenth century who would make great hockey players.

1. Starting Goalie- William McKinley

His selection has less to do with his lightning quick reflexes, and more to do with the fact that he's used to being shot at.

2. Team Enforcer- Preston Brooks

He may not have the use of a cane on the rink, but I'm certain that he'll find creative ways to implement his skates and/or stick in his overreactions to the verbal abuse of others. Hopefully Brooks wouldn't take it as far as to cause neurological damage to somebody over the rhetoric that he employed. But then again, I'd certainly like to see him take a light swing at Mike Komisarek, just for comedic effect

3. Team Penalty Killer- John C. Calhoun

I for one am certain that Calhoun would come up with some brilliant argument as to why the powerplay should not exist due to its detrimental effect on the numerical minority. The chances of this argument actually succeeding are quite miniscule. However, I also think that Calhoun would have the forethought to cover the left face off circle on a Tampa Bay powerplay. Oh how it pains me to further the readership of Justin Bourne.

4. Team's Leading Scorer- Henry Clay

Clay is given the spot not because of his outlandish ability to compromise, but rather his uncanny ability to womanize like no other. According to an incredibly unreliable source from the internet, Clay was rumored to have fathered the entire population of his home state of Kentucky. Now this seems illogical to me, as he was born in Kentucky, and thus obviously could not have fathered its entire population. But then again, who am I to question the inter-web?

5. Team Pest- James Madison

Don't get me wrong, James Madison is not all that annoying. However, he does fulfill a role similar to that of a pest, i.e. he contributes well early on by chipping in offensively and drawing calls (Madison's influence on the writing of the Constitution), but eventually hurts the team miserably by getting tricked into a 4 minute double minor for believing anything Napolean says.