On this morning, June 4, 2010, a day that shall forever live in infamy, our holiest of grails was defiled by the worst of offenders-Justin Bieber. Now I'll be honest here, I have more than a mild case of the Bieber Fever- not to be confused with the beaver fever, which is a horrifying malady of unspeakable devastation- yet this crosses the line. No dreamy (or supple) pop sensation gets to touch the Cup. Period. The only time a person gets to touch the cup, is if they've won it, or you're a part of Make a Wish Foundation. For Bieber to touch it is utter sacrilege, and an offense that I'm sure is making Hockey Jesus writhe in agony. What perhaps makes this ordeal worse, is the fact that Bieber himself is a hockey player- or at least as much of a player as a 5' 3" 110 pound 16-year old can be. He should know better. It's one thing if you're not a player or a fan, though I still do not approve of that. But to be a player and to touch it, is incredibly disrespectful. You partake in the world's greatest game, the greatest achievement in which is the world's greatest trophy, and you're holding it because of your hair. They say it weighs thirty pounds- except when you're lifting it, presumably after you've won it. I guess that's why you couldn't lift it above your waist, because you didn't win it. Show some etiquette, be a player, respect the chalice.
Yet it's not all bad news. After the show had finished broadcasting it was reported that Lord Stanley's Cup then broke down into a fit of self-loathing, bitterly angry, and desperate tears. The chalice then declared that he was prepared to bring up charges against the Canadian born singer for touching him inappropriately, even saying that he was prepared to show video evidence and demonstrate the molestation on a doll. Bieber immediately denied the allegations, however, to no avail, as the whole scene had been filmed and broadcasted by the good people at the even better network of NBC. Upon hearing of the accusations, thousands of screaming pre-pubescent girls ran screaming into the streets and began to riot, throwing flaming trash cans through store windows, slashing tires, and defacing private property. The inhabitants of Montreal became enraged by the plagiarism of their trademark reaction, yet no one cared, because they're French Canadian. As the chaos came to a stand still, one girl was asked about her emotions and how she felt about the allegations, and she responded, "Y'know we're all just so mad, like, why couldn't it have been me that got to accuse him of stuff like that."
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