Rangers' Offense Spoiled- Goals Being Thieved By Icy Gremlins

Over the last week and a half, numerous journalists, bloggers, and rudimentary mathematicians have pointed out that the Rangers have been scoring fewer goals in the new year. I'd give you the exact number, but well....eh, I'm just not going to give you the exact number. The point is that the offense is sputtering. There are a few logical reasons as to why the offense has sputtered. Firstly, injuries have decimated an already thin forward corps. Christensen and Prospal, two of the few Rangers that have actually managed to garner some chemistry with offensive centerpiece Marian Gaborik, are both out. Callahan, who blocks shots, kills penalties, checks hard and frequently, scores goals, and usually takes the second line right wing is also out with a broken hand. Secondly, the previously mentioned offensive centerpiece, Marian Gaborik, has been awful. He has 2 goals in his last 19 games, and hat tricks account for more than half of his goals. Add in the fact that the player who was supposed to be the powerplay quarterback this year is now in the minors, and it's understandable why the offense might be struggling. Fortunately, the team play that the Rangers anchor themselves too can last offensive droughts. The defensive corps is young but firm, and is steadied by the consistent Dan Girardi, and the All-Star Team allotted Marc Staal. The forward group is filled with forwards who excel defensively, like Chris Drury, Brian Boyle, Brandon Prust, Ryan Callahan, and Brandon Dubinsky. Furthermore, the Rangers' crease is well guarded by the outstanding Henrik Lundqvist, and the solid Marty Biron. This defensive prowess may also be contributing to the offensive lull, as players may be getting complacent with the team's ability to inhibit other teams' offenses.

Yet regardless of these seemingly logical explanations as to why the Rangers' offense is about as robust as any film starring Matthew Perry, there are some who hypothesize that the causes behind this drought are much more sinister. Their reasons for the causes? Gremlins.

That's right. I could hardly believe it myself. In light of this new development, I went to go do some digging. Here's what Rangers' alternate captain and all-star defenseman Marc Staal had to say on the matter, "This is not Marc Staal, my name is Bobby. This theory is stupid. Please don't believe the author if he claims that I am Marc Staal." Douche. Regardless of this adversity I proceeded to do what all great athletes do when they need to find something out- I watched film. For the next two days I ignored all bodily functions and needs, as well as familial and professional obligations, sat on my couch, and watched Gremlins while I ate Kashi Go Lean Crunch that I sprinkled in a jar of peanut butter. The experience was revealing, and elucidated much about the validity of this theory. Here is what I realized, in order of when the notions came to me.

1. Gremlins is the best movie ever

2. Gremlins are evil little devils

3. Kashi+Peanut Butter= Meh at best

4. Gremlins are fictional


In light of this last realization, I came to understand that this theory was impossible. Fictional things that can't do stuff in the real world. That's why I was always disappointed when my computer wouldn't bring me to a Digital world like it did in Digimon.
All in all, it was a formative experience for me.